Dear Alfred

2.1

31st December, 2015.

17.

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

Sigh...

"Happy New Year!" The crowded outside her house cheered, as did she leaning against the window. She wasn't going to cower away from the crowd. People turned around, wishing the same her way while some boys threw wink, which she gladly ignored.

She allowed a smile to grace her lips coated in sheets of her favorite lipstick. But she turned around before she changed her mind. She wanted to be a part of that crowd, she wanted to scream and jump standing between them.

She walked to her bed and inhaled before she let out a long sigh as she plopped herself on her bed. Staring at the ceiling and thinking, motivating, and failing, like always.

Shouts resonated through the house as her little brother ran around, a slight shake in his voice with every step as he sprinted. "Happy new wear, mom! Happy new wear, dad! Happy new-" She grinned, cringing slightly as she heard him fall at the top of the stairs before his thudding continued its way towards her room, "Happy new wear!" He shouted, his voice screechy and his breathing loud and heavy. He gave her a toothless grin as she turned her head towards him.

"Happy new year, James." She chuckled before he screamed with delight and ran towards the stairs again. She heard her mom's faint voice warning James to be careful and dad wishing his 'tiger' a new year too.

She looked back at her white cracked ceiling. It had it's paint coming off from the left corner. I should go to the party. She thought. But she was afraid she would stand out, and not in a good way. She was worried that once she stepped into the party house, all eyes would be on her. She wasn't a big fan of the attention. She did not like it one bit. She would rather stay away from the eyes like she had been doing so far and have a name that would pass people's ear unnoticed.

     Only very noticeable when once heard.

     But maybe, just maybe if she goes to that party, her new year's start would be with her thumping to the music's beat and not with self-criticism.

    Another sigh escaped her lips. Her eyes roamed around her room before they settled on the list of New Year's Resolution she had made with her friends two years ago, which she tapped on her wall a while ago.

    Like she did every year.

    Only this year she was determined to follow it.

    Like she was every year.

1. Find nice hobos. Interact.

    She stared at the list long and hard. Trying to block out the gnawing feeling of her stomach moving up with nerves and of her heart falling down, she breathed.

'We're gonna make the world a better place, Erica.'

2. Live in the moment.

    The words taunted her, their boldness screaming at her to get up and go. Have fun. Live. Live again.

3. Walk naked into the grocery shop.

    'I can't believe you're scared of walking into Wal-mart.'

'Well whoop-dee-do mofo, I am.'

    She forced out a strained chuckle.

4. Ignore the eyes and walk like the place is your uncle's.

'No one will notice you, Bella. Imagine them naked.'

'And if that scares me more?'

'Then we go get drunk!'

5. Go hulk when angry.

    She remembered how even letting out her pent up frustration to the walls of her room, she used to fidget until she sat down.

'Did you seriously just let that whore walk away?!'

'My voice broke!'

'Idiot. I'll get her, watch my lead.'

    She was hopeless, she chuckled remembering.

6. Socialize more.

'We are so going to this party and you are so wearing this!'

'And I am so going to post a drunk video of you online!'

7. Flirt with the pizza boy for a free pizza. A large pepperoni pizza with every new topping (maybe two).

'The possibility of me flirting with the pizza boy anytime soon is as much as Dylan O'Brien appearing on of our doorstep asking if we need a ride.'

'Well, I guess we'll be seeing Dylan baby very soon then.'

8. Dance when hear music, wherever.

'Bella?'

'Hmm?'

'Prom night? We're doing the chicky dance.'

'Over my dead body, Erica.'

    She smiles with trembling lips at the memory, a tear slipping down.

9. Strangle judgmental hoes with the camera's strap if they look.

'Even an ant is bigger then your self-esteem, I swear.'

10.Tick all things and make us proud.

    That, she would do. For them, who tried hard for her, giving her continuous pushes at opportunities. She was determined to follow it.

    But if she had gone to the party she might have figured out how to go through the year. She could go right then. If only she wasn't as displeased by them. She sat up on her bed, looking at herself in the mirror. The urge and indecisiveness making her want to whimper and whine.

Maybe I'll see them again. She told herself. Get up and go, you're already dressed up. She realized she couldn't barge in on their life again and ask where the beer's at. They couldn't just have a heart-to-heart after a year of no communication.

A year of repairing.

She pulled at her hair, stopping herself from dwelling into the memories and took a few deep breaths. She was satisfied when the numbness prickled in and faked a smile for her own assurance, she was okay.

She checked her phone hoping for a message from someone that'll make her get up from her bed.

No new messages.

Ofcourse not.

She groaned and looked at the time, 12.22.

She thought long and hard, zoning out before she muttered, "Screw it." She dropped back on her bed. Taking out her diary, she scribbled two words to explain her start.

Turning of the light, she got under the covers and tried shutting her mind off before it wandered to dangerous territories.

"Day 1.

12:49 AM

Dear Alfred,

I failed."