All It Took

11.Jeff

Under Pressure // Queen & David Bowie

The game took all of my energy. Most of the guys were pretty subdued, trying to focus on the win and failing. How can we keep our head in the game when one of our own is suffering?

I can't believe Matt's dad is gone. The guy was a fucking jerk of a father but still. It was a sudden death and no one can prepare for the aftermath. No matter how much Matt was pulling away and making his own life, now that his dad is gone he has to look out for his mom and his brother. I feel terrible for the guy. He was a mess. Couldn't even put a sentence together coherently.

I wish I could have gone home with him but I don't think I could have helped him much. Hannah will be there for him. A guy needs to hold on to his girlfriend when shit goes down.

I should know.

All I've wanted for weeks is to hold Alison. It's a bitter pill to swallow knowing I can't. Knowing I had to push her away because of the shit going on. Shit that's still waiting to come back around

I know it's gonna happen. Reign is a loose cannon on the field lately. Coach hasn't said another word to me about this whole behind the scenes investigation he's doing. I don't even know if he's still looking into it or leaving me out to dry. Either way, Reign's on the warpath. He's been needling me all week at practice. Today at the game he took it to the next level. Threats every time he passed by.

He wasn't threatening to hurt me. He never even said words that anyone else would think twice about. But I knew what he meant.

Lookin' a little scrawny out there, scrub.

Like watching a baby take his first steps.

Put some muscle in that arm, scrub.

He's setting me up. I know it. I'm waiting for the back room deal where he tries to dope me up. That's the only way he'd feel like I was trustworthy enough. If I'm in on it, I won't rat him out. What I don't understand is why he hasn't already tried to get me to use.

I don't think it's a secret that I play by the rules. Matt and Pete called me camp counselor and team dad all through high school because of it. Maybe Reign figures I wouldn't touch the stuff unless he wore me down first. I've been playing into it, half hoping he'd corner me and force the issue just so I'd have some kind of evidence to take back to Coach. The other half of me is sick to my stomach over all of this bullshit. I hate what knowing this asshole has done to my life.

Now I'm back in this hotel room, out of town for the Thanksgiving weekend for a game and away from my family. Matt flew home last night. We played for shit today. Tennessee kicked our asses. Nothing new this season. I sit on the end of my hotel bed trying to think things through about what I might say to Reign if he ever twists my arm about doping, when I hear a knock on the door.

It has to be Reign. No one else is spending much time with me since he pulled rank and forced me into his inner circle. Micah and Gio have pretty much ghosted me. Coach hasn't made direct eye contact in weeks. I stand and walk to the door taking deep breaths to calm my heartrate. Damn I'm not ready for this. But once I swing it open I get a shock.

"What?" I can't believe who I see. Alison. I pull it together and glance around, making sure no one sees her here, then yank her into the room and shut the door. I should apologize for manhandling her. I should beg her forgiveness for what I've put her through, how I lied about not wanting her in my life. Hurting her. But I don't. I can't.

"Jeff, I-"

I kiss her instead. I don't even let her finish speaking because wasting even one second of this chance would be a regret I can't live with. So, I kiss her, holding her close and touching her the way I wondered if I ever would. But it's not long lasting because she puts her hands on my chest and pushes me away.