After the End: Book 4

17. Deciding to Care

Harry's POV

I threw up in the shower twice. The second time was so bad my nose started bleeding and I ended up sitting under the hot water for a long time waiting for it to stop. For a fleeting moment, I wished I would just stop breathing. I wanted to fall asleep and drown in the steamy air, and just stop feeling every upset and sick sensation in my body. That felt like the definition of true relief.

Eventually Phoebe had knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay. She hadn't wanted to leave me alone and since I was fantasizing about drowning, I decided her concern was probably valid. I told her I was fine in the most level voice I could muster and then rose to try and actually feel clean. My efforts were still pretty futile but when I stepped out of the shower, I didn't feel dirty to the point of discomfort anymore. Phoebe had laid out pajamas on the counter for me, and I barely looked at them before putting them on. The only thing I truly registered was that my cardigan had been added to the stack as well. At least she was returning the things she'd borrowed without permission.

She'd been waiting outside the door with her book when I was clothed. Together we made our way to the living room where she'd already started a movie. We watched the Greatest Showman until the sun was falling fast out of the sky.  We were looping it, as was my favorite method of watching movies. My focus was too bad and I missed things routinely the first time around. I hadn't started watching things like that until after the break in, when I'd deprived my brain of oxygen for just a little too long. Phoebe and Cory were the only people in the world who didn't seem to find that incredibly annoying. Even Lux hadn't liked it although she might not have minded if I'd explained the request. We rarely watched movies anyways except for when I was trying to sleep on the sofa. Phoebe and Cory never wanted the explanation, and I'd rather not give it anyways.

I still felt the heaviness holding me down, but I was trying to hold it off. The staring at the ceiling thing scared Phoebe whether she'd admit it or not, and it didn't make me feel increasingly comfortable with myself either, so I tried to fix my eyes on the TV. With the minor distraction, I ignored the thoughts that were telling me to ignore all logic and reason to hurt myself.

Phoebe is watching. Don't forget Phoebe is watching. You can't act out with her there. You can't do this.

I mouthed the words to the songs in the movie and clicked my nails together compulsively and did every small quiet thing I could think of to avoid melting into it. I couldn't melt. I had to hold it together.

"Harry, it's getting dark. Why don't you try to sleep?" Phoebe suggested well into our 3rd watch through of the movie. It might have been the 4th time. I couldn't tell which one. She was right about the status of the natural lighting. The sun was fast shooting down into the sky, signaling Friday's end.

5 days. We were at the end of 5 days. 4 days without the alcohol. 5 days without everything else. Insane.

"I'm okay," I mumbled out to her.

I kept my eyes on the TV and tried to ignore the way nausea budded up in my throat alongside my words. I didn't feel good. Every single thought, action, or movement only served to remind me I didn't feel good.

"You told me you hadn't slept," she reminded me.

That was true. I hadn't slept and the heaviness of my eyelids was actually a very difficult factor to navigate. My mind was sluggish. My eyes burned, and my body felt leaded down by both the heaviness and the true exhaustion that was encompassing me. I needed sleep. I needed it desperately.

I knew that, but I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes. I needed the noise of consciousness. Phoebe's breathing and the sound of the television were both keeping me grounded. I needed my sluggish eyes to follow the blur of movement on the screen. The distractions were necessary. If I closed my eyes and tried to block any of it out, the dark thoughts would take over. Id be powerless to stop them.