After the End: Book 4

42. Numb Enough to be Honest

Louis POV

I was having a terrible day. That was probably glaringly obvious to everyone. It seemed obvious. I'd been slowly falling under a comfort blanket of drug induced ease, but the look on everyone's face told me that my complete fucking breakdown was not going unnoticed.

At least the hospital staff was letting me be a complete monster of a patient with very little complaint. I was aware I was acting erratic, but I was having a hard time mustering any patience to act otherwise. My patience had gotten lost somewhere in the struggle. I thought maybe I might have dropped it while collapsing on the bathroom floor.

A psychogenic blackout.

I had never heard of it before. I'd had to receive a long explanation on what they were trying to tell me, because the concept was completely foreign. The answers I'd been given were well worded and complicated, but I got the gist of it. What they were telling in, in simple terms, was that I'd reached my limit. The cord had finally snapped. The dam had broken. My mind had simply flipped itself off before it could take more emotional damage.

It was humiliating. I felt weak and broken and fragile. Everyone in the room was looking at me like I was liable to completely crumble right infront of them. Even Harry was looking at me with that shell shocked expression of his when he'd first come in. I was told I'd been talking to him when it happened, although I was drawing a complete blank on everything from the moment I'd stepped into the bathroom onward. I felt incredibly guilty for that. I'd been quite the nuisance at the hospital asking for updates from nurses on how panicked he, along with everyone else, had looked in the waiting room. Everyone has looked bad, but he was buzzing like a mad man. Then he'd come into the room unable to contain voicing his disagreements with how I was treating Daisy.

Daisy.

She was the true terror dominating my mind. I had no idea how to even begin processing things with her. I couldn't believe that this was how I'd reacted to the slightest bit of rejection from her. I felt insane, like I was some crazy person absolutely unable to function in the face of a differing opinion. I knew that was an oversimplification, but what was I supposed to think? I'd told her it was okay to be mad, because I truly believed it was. Then she'd gotten mad and I'd lost my shit. I was really throwing out mixed signals.

After kicking Harry out, I hadnt moved to say anything for a while. Daisy had seated herself in the seat that Harry had previously occupied in complete silence, and I'd left my apology hanging like a distant memory in the air. Was I supposed to try again? Was it even right for me to apologize? Harry had been blunt and frantic, but he also had a point didn't he?

When I thought of that, my heart beat sped up on the monitor, and since I was in a room full of people shamelessly staring at it, I pushed the thought away entirely.

The last few hours of my life had been especially dreadful. I was honestly in disbelief over it. I had been incredibly bleary and confused initially, but I was fully coherent by the time we actually arrived at the hospital. Still panicky, but at least aware. It helped to be surrounded by the same doctors and nurses I'd known my entire growing up. I'd been sent for immediate testing. As soon as all of that was done, I'd started asking about the girls and Harry in the waiting room. I'd been quite annoying with my inquiries, especially when I'd evolved to asking Genevieve about what the hospital had going on in terms of support groups. Harry seemed stressed. I wanted to have an idea of what to do to help in case he needed it. I was panicking about everything, but there were a few things I could make plans for. That helped.