Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Promise You Won't Forget Me

  July 2016, Oulu

One whole month passed since Johanna got in the clinic and my life changed again. I've been getting her news and how's she's going with the therapy that she's receiving from her doctor since she doesn't want to see me again after what I did but I did exactly what I thought it was right for both of us.

But yesterday even if I knew that she wouldn't like it and react bad I still dared to appear there and check how she's going.

When she saw me she panicked, she started screaming again that I want to hurt her and want her bad and that's the reason why I made her get in the clinic. I tried to calm her so we could speak normally but she denied. I thought that all those days there with every medicine that she's taking she would be better but seems like she will never forgive me for sending her there.
Her skin was really pale white, it was like she wasn't eating anymore. Her hair on the same situation messy and I think that her mental health is still a mess and she hasn't done any progress yet.

Now I was again back at home alone. I can't lie that I got used to living alone really easy. I was used on living with Johanna since we've been sharing the same apartment for too long and now that she's gone it's really strange but even if I get used to it then I will have to get over the fact that I'm leaving. This whole month I've been thinking and made a big decision. I will take a big step in my life and I will move in Helsinki. It really wasn't easy to get this decision but I'm gonna be better there. I want a new life and to get over everything bad that I lived in this city. Helsinki will offer me new adventures, new memories and after all it's the capital where you can do many more things.

The all thing that it's hard to leave behind is my friends. All of them.
Of course we're gonna met often, we still have our band going on and I'm not leaving before the tour that's starting in some days and will take two weeks. I also need to find a house first and I will get here really usually since our album isn't done. I will miss the thing that I won't be able to just take my car and in five minutes appear in their house or our studio but I'm sure that we will all eventually get used to it. I haven't revealed anything to them though.

Someone that isn't in our band but I'm gonna miss with my whole heart and soul is Kristy. She became one of my best friends. She was there for me. She stayed with me and kept me company when I was feeling alone after Johanna left. She discussed with me when I kept saying that I feel guilty after sending her in the clinic. In just a month we got even closer and even if we solved the problem with Johanna we still kept seeing eachother every day and spent together so many hours. I really don't know how I'm gonna handle this, not seeing her for too long when I move to Helsinki.

We also don't discuss just about serious topics or about all my issues that now she knows. We spend so much fun time in walks or going in the cinema to see a movie. The best was having our private concert in my house. We both were slightly drunk after having some wine and we agreed on making a concert in some imaginary fans.

I took my guitar and we were both singing acting like there were people infront of us screaming our names or the lyrics of the songs. This took as almost one hour till we both fell asleep in the same couch and the next day she woke up in my arms. We were both confused and honestly I was scared that because of alcohol I did something that she wasn't fine with. We were both dressed and she remembered that nothing happened but we just end up like this in the evening. It was the first time that I didn't wake up in the middle of the night or pretty early. This woman gives me such comfort. She makes me feel like I also deserve to be taken care in this world.
I will really miss her way too much when I leave....

It was already dark right now and it was almost ten. I thought about going to Joonas's but he was visiting his parents today so my plan was cancelled. I didn't want to stay at home though so I grabbed my keys and decided to go in the studio. This is were I find peace and quiet when I'm not feeling good or when I'm really alone. Also I'm sure that no-one is gonna be there right now, it's pretty late.