Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

My Therapy

April 2017, Haarlem - Helsinki

Unfortunately the days went by pretty fast and today I'm leaving from Netherlands. At least I managed to spend the whole day yesterday with Kristy because she didn't have any lessons like today but this doesn't mean that I will miss her less now.

I will have to say goodbye  for some months till I will manage to visit her again. I hope I will find fast some free time and visit her even the next month if I can but this seems impossible. Now that I saw her and we spend time together here I will miss her even more than I did in the first two months but time goes by really fast, it really flies away so soon I will be here again with her.

My mood isn't really good since yesterday and unfortunately I can tell the same for her. She seems sad and so am I

If only I could stay some days more, but then it would be even more harder to return back in Finland. When you get used on something or a situation it's hard to say goodbye and the more you get used to it the harder it is when you have to leave.

"It's gonna be okay babe" we are now sitting in the balcony. Our chairs the closer they could be and her head was on my chest.

My flight is in the afternoon and now it's morning, a cloudy morning so we have some time to stay here and spend as much time as we have left.

Aleksi has some classes for probably two hours and he will be back in the noon.
What I realized all those days that I stayed here is that Aleksi is a great guy, even if I'm not one hundred percent sure. I could never trust someone this easily.

Of course I will need more time to trust him completely but for now he really seems like a good person and I'm happy for this and this will also calm me a bit.
Knowing that Kristy is safe while I'm away will keep some of my thoughts quiet and I won't be this worried.

"Why can't you stay some more days?" She looked up at me and I could see that her smile was missing again.
Her beautiful smile, one of the reasons that I fell for her, one of the reasons why i love her.
A reason why my heart is full, why I feel safe in this world. The reason why I believed that I also deserve some love.
The reason why I also felt that i still could have feelings for someone even after Johanna did to me.
She made me believe in love after thinking that this feeling doesn't even exist 

"I wish I could" I sighed and looked away

Only if things would be much easier.
Why can't her studies be only for six months? Than nine?
Would she want this though? I don't even know and sometimes I feel so selfish that I wish that her studies could even finish yesterday so she could be with me.

Why isn't she wishing the same about my work? She could ask me to forget about my band and move here with her but she didn't and I don't think that she even thought about this.

I just love her too much and it is hard to stay away from her all those months but it has to go like this.
She decided to get in this university and I supported her choice and still do, I just find it hard to copy with it.

"When will you come again?" She asked me after some minutes of silence went by

"Maybe June or July if everything goes according to plan" I looked at her " I wish I could come earlier"

We're only in the end of April and June and July sound way too long.
Even if it's only one or two months away it sounds like we need so much time to get to them.

"I don't want to let you go" she wrapped on of her arms around me and buried her face in the crook of my neck

She's making everything  harder.
It's so difficult to leave but seeing her like this makes me feel even worse.
I also don't want to leave or I don't want to leave her here but my life is there, in that small apartment in Helsinki and her life now is in that house in Haarlem.