Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Addicted

March 2019, Oulu

It's been almost two minutes since I got in her room and we started talking.
She had so many things to say, she apologized more than five times and she reminded me another two that she wants to meet Kristy to apologize to her too.

I don't know if Kristy would like to see her after all the pain that Johanna put her through though.
It won't be easy to meet the person that tried to take her life twice and we're not even sure if Johanna is actually okay and the only time that I would allow her to meet Kristy would be maybe after two years, after making sure that she's okay and a doctor near us in case that something happens or goes wrong.

I don't want to see Kristy again in all this pain because of Johanna.

"Do you forgive me?" Suddenly the most unexpected question came.

Maybe she has changed, maybe she's a better person now, maybe she has regretted everything that she did in the past but forgive her?

Who would forgive someone that almost committed a murder, even if her brain and mind wasn't okay, she still did it.

She tried to take away from me and away from life the person that I love the most, the woman that made me happy after not knowing what this feeling was for so long, so how I'm supposed to forgive her when she did such a thing?

I was looking at her, kind of shocked after the question. She should expect my answer though, and I'm sure that everyone on my place would do the same.
Maybe they wouldn't even be here to meet her but they would just take their loved one and leave their country but we don't want to run away because of Johanna, we don't want to be afraid, we want to be happy, here and together.

"No" I looked up at her "No, I don't" she nodded on my words as a reply and I looked down again

"I understand, I would do the same if I was in your place" she said and all I could do was to nod "I'm surprised that you came to see me actually, I wouldn't be this brave" she tried to laugh but again it was an awkward moment.

"Just say to Kristy that I'm sorry for everything, for all the pain I brought and all the shit that I did, I know that it won't mean anything because she almost died because of me but please tell to her that I've regretted everything and that I don't want to hurt her, or you or anybody now" she got another bag from under her bed and put on it the remaining clothes that were on top of the bed

I got up, I don't think that we needed to say anything else, and staying here with Johanna and talking about what happened, opened old wounds on my hurt and brought back so many bad memories that i was trying to leave behind.

The state that I found Kristy when I came to surprise her from Helsinki, the news from Joonas that she was in the hospital.
Kristy in the hospital bed, in pain because of Johanna.
Her look when she saw me, the words that we said when she was there.
The promise that I won't leave her again and that we will fight everything together.

The days after she left the hospital, how carefully and scared we were, how much her injuries hurt.
How many sleepless nights she had because she kept having nightmares of the attacks.

All those things, and Johanna thinks that I could forgive her this easily?

I just came here to make sure that my girl will continue living safely in Helsinki and that she won't have to be scared again that she will live this hell for a third time because Johanna is coming.

I will be happy, if she's okay because this means that we won't have something to be worried about, at least not something this serious and we won't be scared for our lives