𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃

Chapter 13

Waiting

Draco was staring unseeingly at the dough he was kneading with his knuckles when he felt a warm hand drop onto his back and rub listlessly back and forth for a moment to get his attention. He flinched almost imperceptibly. He didn't need to see the face to know who it was. He turned his head to the side slightly to show he was listening but avoided the man's eyes as he had consistently for the past two days.

Daman spoke roughly, "I do not blame you, Draco. You know that."

Draco dipped his head, an acknowledgement but not an agreement. He still didn't look at Daman, instead squeezing the dough tight between his fingers. It was a gooey sensation that made Draco's stomach churn and effectively distracted him from the other man's waiting gaze.

Daman, however, would not give up so easily. He momentarily grasped Draco's shoulder in a tight grip before releasing him. "I pushed too hard."

Draco's breath caught in his throat and he breathed out through his nose with narrowed eyes. "You didn't! I was the one who—"

Daman gripped his shoulder once more and twisted him about on his stool so that they were facing each other. He placed his hands on either side of the counter, Draco in between his arm-span, and implored him with dewy eyes. "It's enough already, Draco."

Daman sighed and dropped his head desolately. "You didn't need a relationship, you needed a friend. I knew it the moment I saw you and yet still I – We are friends, aren't we?" Daman shook his head. "I like to think so, at least. You know you can trust me, don't you?"

Draco caught and held Daman's gaze for the first time since that night, since he had called him by the wrong name – wrong it was, and in so many aspects – and touched Daman's cheek lightly. "We're friends. In fact, you may very well be the only one I have left."

Draco frowned as the words came out of his mouth. Daman was the only friend he had left, wasn't he? He shut his eyes with a grimace. Pathetic.

He opened his eyes to find Daman frowning too. "You have Severus, and Jessie."

"My godfather and my boss," Draco tossed out carelessly with a roll of his eyes. "I hardly think that counts."

Daman squinted at him. "You're always so ready to put yourself down." He shook his head as if to erase that line of thought and said, "Shall we start over then? I would like to be a real friend to you, Draco, without any ulterior motive," He added with a grin.

Draco furrowed his brow and injected genuinely, "I don't deserve you."

Daman looked cross at this and tilted Draco's chin up so that they were staring unblinkingly at one another. "You deserve the moon, Draco Malfoy," He said finally, sounding annoyed. "And if I could gift it to you, I would." With that, he dropped Draco's chin, turned on his heel, and stalked back to the oven.

Draco rubbed his jaw, staring hard at Daman's back, wondering what that hell he had done wrong now.

~*~

Draco decided to walk back from the bakery despite the nippy weather; consequently, it was nearly a half hour later that he was pulling open Snape's front door, having given himself plenty of time to mull over Daman's words. And he had realized something about himself, something he despised with every fiber of his being, the same something that had made him call Daman by that hated name.

He was waiting for Harry.

On some level, he was waiting for the man to come find him, to show up on Snape's doorstep to woo him back, to make promises of change that may or may not have been true. He didn't even care which, he just wanted Harry to care enough to offer, to care enough to have kept looking for him. Draco felt sick to his stomach at the thought and made a beeline for his bathroom.

He heaved the pitiful contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl and rested his heated cheek against the chilled rim, feeling weak and stupid, two things Harry had never failed to make him feel before. He didn't see why now should be any different.

He leaned back against the wall after flushing and pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his forehead against them. He didn't see how things would ever change. When would he stop waiting, when would his life cease to be on hold? If it hadn't happened yet, after everything Harry had put him through, after everything Severus had made him relive, then Draco couldn't see it ever happening.

He felt hot, wet tears well in his eyes and he scowled to himself. Harry should have just done them both a favor and killed him that night rather than taking him to Hermione. What was left of him but a shell to be filled only when Harry Potter saw fit? What was he if not 'Harry Potter's lover'? There was no life in him left to live, not without Harry.

He was downright worthless without him, like one of those Muggle electronics without batteries.

The door to his bathroom swung open and hit him lightly in the thigh. He saw Severus take a step inside, his eyes darting about, before he spotted him on the floor with a disinterested glance. The man clipped, handing him a folded piece of parchment, "Zabini has written you. Again."

Draco sighed and, without glancing at the parchment, gave his standard response, "Send it back."

Severus' gaze softened somewhat and he closed the lid of the toilet seat and sat down. "He only did what he thought was best, Draco."

Draco's mouth twisted bitterly. "He had no right." His hands clenched into fists against his robes at Snape's audacity to advise him on something that didn't involve him in the slightest.

Snape let out a derisive laugh and challenged, "You're afraid."

Draco's brow furrowed and he angrily found himself without a response. He chose to look away with a halfhearted scowl instead. Mostly because, regardless of what he said, it would still be true.

"You think he'll judge you for this," He heard Snape say softly, knowingly. "Draco," Snape goaded. "How could you be so incredibly bull-headed? If he hasn't proven to you how..." Snape paused thoughtfully and Draco trained his gaze on him in what he hoped was an intimidating manner – intimidating enough to stop him altogether, perhaps? – but Snape's eyes faintly glowed as he continued, "worthy he thinks you are in all the years you've known one another, then precisely what will it take?"

For the longest time, Draco didn't answer, just buried his head between his knees and stared at the tiled floor. The complete silence in the bathroom was eerie. He could not even hear his own breaths, only the sound of nothingness that stayed so close to him these days. He looked up to find Severus watching him with a mixture of pity and sympathy.

His pride should have felt a sting at that but he wasn't sure he had any left, or if he'd be able to feel anything even if he did. He rested his chin on his knee and said hollowly, willing Snape to understand, "He's stronger than I am, he'll never understand why I – why I fled."

Snape shook his head, his eyes over-bright. "Perhaps not, but don't you even want to attempt to find out if he can forgive it?"

Draco's gaze dropped to the parchment that was still clutched between Snape's limp fingers. "What if the answer is 'no'?" He quested breathily.

"What if it is, Draco?" Snape returned harshly. "Would you really let that break you?" He demanded incredulously. "Despite what you may think of yourself, it took an alarming amount of courage to do what you did. Your strength may not be as apparent as Zabini's but I can guarantee you that it is much more palpable."

Draco smirked disbelievingly, unable to help his scoff, while Snape gritted his teeth in response. "You survived, Draco, that alone took an incredible amount of bravery. And starting over takes twice as much."

At that, Draco couldn't help but burst out with more emotion than he'd thought he had left, "You say I've survived, that I've started over, but look at me, Severus!" He glanced down at himself, disgusted by what he saw.

His lip curled as he spat out desolately, "I'm still his – his boy! I've survived, yes, but am I the Draco Malfoy you remember?" He shook his head, already knowing the answer to that. "Do I even resemble myself any longer or have I mutated beyond all recognition?"

"And started over?" He barked with a humorless laugh. "I all but cringe from Daman's touch, even when he desires nothing but my attention," He added, remembering that morning with a frown.

"I am not strong," He asserted harshly. "Applying the very word to me weakens its definition. I know what I am, Severus, I've come to terms with it. I'm a coward who abandoned his friend and his lover in a fit of weakness only to become a pathetic burden to his godfather."

Draco buried his head in his hands, unable to witness the truth of it in his godfather's eyes when he felt a hulking weight settle in front of him. Strong hands grabbed either side of his head and Draco shifted his gaze to meet the other man's.

Snape was on his knees in front of Draco, towering over him, and his expression was livid. "Have I ever – ever, " Snape reiterated coldly, "Referred to your presence in my home as anything other than a gift?"

Draco shook his head, swallowing past the lump in his throat. "No, but —"

Snape snarled at him. "Then do not presume to know how I feel about your company. Especially if you're going to interpret so poorly," He sniffed, raising his head. He rose to his feet and held out the letter to Draco, staying statuesquely still. "Be brave, Draco."

Draco reached for the parchment with shaking fingers and clasped the letter in his sweat-lined palm.