Suicide

Concealment

LINLEY
Did you meet with Chad Stevens?

WOODS
I did! I don't know how Delia did it, but she found him.

LINLEY
Delia is the best! Where did she find Chad?

WOODS
He had been living a secluded life under a different name?

LINLEY
Why?

WOODS
Chad told me his entire story. The love he felt for Mary Ann and the gut-wrenching pain when Mary Ann left him:
- I was an up-and-coming high school football star. Everyone expected greatness. I didn't mind as long as I thought that I am invincible and can achieve everything.
I had been around a lot of girls but it wasn't real. Everyone wanted something from me. Everything felt so shallow. Then one day I met Mary Ann. She wasn't into football, but she had this attitude. She didn't revere me as the whole school did. She looked at me clearly. I thought that she saw the person I am.
We went out. Being around her felt different. All the pressure was gone. I didn't have to perform in front of a crowd. Back then I hadn't figured out who I was. I was this poor kid, who could play football. That's all people knew about me. It was the only thing I had known about myself.
But around Mary, I got time to think. Think about my life, what I want. I thought about where my life would lead and end. Mary was surrounded by this aura. I didn't think that my life would take a dark turn.
We went out, everything was fine. I told her that I had diabetes. I was born with it, I couldn't change it, it was not my fault. Mary was understanding. I told her and she didn't look at me like those girls. She didn't see a sick boy, she didn't pity me. She just looked me straight in the eyes with an expression: "So what? We all have a burden to carry!"
Back then I believed her. I thought she meant it. I felt relieved and weary at the same time. It was all new. I hadn't met a girl like Mary. I thought she would sincerely care.
I remember that evening we went out for the first time. We ate a delicious meal, my coach had lend me the money. My parents didn't have much but I was fine with it. "So what?"
Mary ate a sweet apple pie in front of me. I wondered how it tasted. I was mesmerized by her lips. I thought to myself: "What a woman!"

LINLEY
What? Are you sure that you talked to Chad Stevens? Because Mary Ann Ellis had Type 1 Diabetes!

WOODS
Yes! I talked to the real Chad Stevens and he went out with the real Mary Ann Ellis. Mary hid her disease from Chad. Chad continued:
Back then I didn't know she had diabetes. Whenever she would eat something sweet she would get up afterward and go to the restrooms. I thought it was a woman-thing.

LINLEY
Why did Mary Ann go to the restrooms after she ate candy?

WOODS
A non-diabetic may not know why, but diabetics have to get an insulin shot pretty much soon after they ate sweets or a meal with high carbohydrates.

LINLEY
And diabetics have to do this every time?

WOODS
Yes. And those insulin shots are not cheap. Diabetics pay between 60 and 100 dollars for one insulin shot!

LINLEY
That's sad, isn't it?

WOODS
It is and since Mary Ann's parents were actually well-off, she could afford frequent insulin shots.

LINLEY
But why did she conceal her disease from Chad? That doesn't fit with her social media profile.

WOODS
If one looks at Mary Ann's social media profile one doesn't get to know the real Mary Ann or the person Mary Ann wants people to see in her. I think Mary wasn't an engaged social media user. She randomly shared photos of herself and one notices that she was not interested in growing and maintaining a social media persona. What we may perceive as down-to-earth on social media because someone doesn't share a selfie every day can as well as be an indication that this person is private and hiding from the public eye.

LINLEY
Why did Chad and Marry break up?

WOODS
Chad told me:
- Soon the entire school knew us as Chad and Mary. I liked it. I liked having Mary around me. I liked the thought that whatever happens Mary would always support me. She was there for me on bad days, when I was the simple football player who could not carry his team to victory. When people booed us and forget the human underneath the helmet. I saw people's allegiance rise and wane, but Mary stood always on my side. I loved her and I thought she would love me too.
It was in my sophomore year in high school. I had gotten a football scholarship. I would have been the first in our family to attend college. But I didn't think about that, the only thing I thought about was Mary and that we would be together. We talked openly about our future. Making plans for one's future, was new for me. That's not how people grow up in my neighborhood. Mary was my guide.
We talked about having children, about living in a big house, with dogs, with sleepy Sundays and breakfasts in bed. It was a dream I could imagine and see myself in.
It was my fault! I couldn't wait! I was impatient. I didn't get to know a home. I wanted it all at once. I wanted to bind this beautiful girl to me.
On a Sunday, after our team was victorious I was light-hearted and foolish. I wanted to have a child with her. I wanted her, wanted the dreams we dreamed together.
But she was uncomfortable! I should have known, I shouldn't have pushed her.
We had sex without protection. The day thereafter I thought I woke up to a new life. Everything would be different. I had found a place in my life but things were not supposed to be. We tried for weeks and months. Mary Ann didn't get pregnant. I noticed too late that I had ruined the bliss we had. She was distressed and obsessed with getting pregnant. We grew apart. I lost her. We started quarreling. We hurled insults at each other. She kept yelling at me: "Nothing is wrong with me! It is all you!"
I was struck, I was broken, I thought that I couldn't hold on to the perfect life that had been waiting for me. I went to see a doctor, he told me that diabetes affects the possibility of having children.
I wept. It was the first day of my life I felt betrayed by the universe. I could have had it all! My mind and thoughts were in disarray. I couldn't keep it together anymore. I thought that Mary was my last and only shot at happiness. I won't get another.
I didn't have the strength to do anything anymore. I wanted to give up football and my life. I was so lost. My coach wanted to help me, he tried to draw my attention back to football but I couldn't recover from the slap of destiny. I wasn't fit, I dragged my feet and destroyed my knee. It meant the end of my football career. The scholarship buried. Back then I thought it was the best, I didn't see a purpose in life anymore.
Mary visited me a coupled of times in hospital, but I became aware that the gap between us wouldn't ever close. Then she didn't appear anymore and I was left to myself.
I ended up as a welfare case. I became addicted to drugs. I didn't need them for my knee, but for my heart.
My coach didn't give up on me! He helped me, put me in rehab, and got me a job as a firefighter. But it didn't heal me, it just eased the pain. I couldn't forget Mary, I couldn't get her out of my mind.
One day I saw her with him, David. She seemed joyous, she had forgotten me and us. I couldn't bear it! I fell back into the darkness. I shot up to forget. This life wasn't meant for me anymore. I lost my job as a firefighter. In my parents' home, I had slept in a guest bed since my childhood. The only thing that was left for me was to leave. I had to leave to survive. I couldn't look at it. Destiny gave me a glimpse into everything I could have had and then slammed the door into my face.
After I heard about the suicide of Mary Ann I stared for a while into empty space. I felt relieved and sad at the same time. "I could have saved her!" said I, while tears poured down my cheeks. I felt the loss of her again. That is all it came to.