My Ghost - B Barnes

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5 years ago - September 7th 2018
*The Avengers compound*

There were times that I wished so incredibly hard that I was still in the ice, that I had never been dug out to begin with, that I was still trapped underneath that crushing weight because I was safe, protected and hidden away from the world but that was stripped away from me unwillingly.

Now it is the complete opposite; I am constantly looking over my shoulder, the entire world knows my name and I have an overwhelming sense of vulnerability weighing me down which has been that way for the past seven years. Seven years ago I was backed into a corner by Nick Fury, either I was to sign the agreement to become an Avenger, I would go on to help save the world and make it a better place or I was to walk the streets of Manhattan alone after being in the ice for almost seventy years, and be an outcast to a complete new way of living.

I did not want this, I didn't want to be an avenger, I did not want any of this. I didn't want to constantly have to throw myself into a some kind of war without having the chance to think twice about my own safety but at the same time, Steve was all that I knew and the fear of leaving him behind to wander the streets alone was so crippling that I felt I had no choice, so I signed my life away to a man I had only just met.

However, as the days turned into months and the months turned into years, I fell in love with the people that I was surrounded by every day of the week and the job didn't haunt me as much as it did when I first signed that contract, although I was always being followed by a longing feeling because I knew, no matter how hard I could try to push it away, this life is not the life that I wanted to live.

I didn't want to live in a world filled with money, I didn't want children to look up at me, I didn't want my boss watching my every damn move, I wanted to be free so I decided to do that.

I decided to set myself free.

"Tony?" I said as I looked up from the book that rested against my thighs, running my thumb against the edge of the hardback cover.

Tony finished refilling his mug of coffee before he walked towards me, taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch and placing my feet over his legs. "What's up Els?"

I looked away from his harsh brown eyes and back down to my book, a cowardliness feeling taking over me. "You know- it doesn't actually matter, it's nothing."

tony pulled my book from my grasp, throwing it down onto the coffee table sat before us, a stern look covered his face as he raised his eyebrows at me. "Do you honestly think I'm stupid?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, shaking my head in disbelief. "What- no?"

"How long have I known you Elora?" I opened my mouth to answer his question but he cut me off, holding out his hand to tell me to keep quiet. "Seven years- I know your mind, I know your thoughts- there's no point trying to hide this from me because I already know darling."

I shut my eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. "So, you're not mad?"

Tony scoffed. "God no- I knew the minute that you signed your name on that contract that you regretted it, you only did this for Steve. You've lived here for seven years now, you know your way around the entire world, there isn't a better time to get yourself cleared Els."

I nodded my head, taking in everything that Tony had just said. I would've got myself cleared sooner but I was afraid what Steve would've said, what he would've thought, I was afraid that once I left this compound that I would never see Steve again. I was scared to push my foot out of my comfort zone and go for something that I really wanted, that I really need.

I wanted normalcy, I wanted to live out a long and normal life.

"I just want to live freely, you know?" I sighed.

Tony was so selfless, he did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted because he had no care for what the public eye thought of him. He knew that as long as the people he cared about knew the real Tony Stark, then he didn't have to worry about anyone else's opinion on him - that's one thing that I wish I could've picked up from Tony, his carelessness towards the world.

"You wanna go live out an action-less life as a waiter you mean?" Tony joked, smiling softly at me.

"I was thinking more of a bartender actually."

I had no plans, I had absolutely nothing set in motion, all I knew is that I wanted to get out of here, now.

"Living in a shitty apartment above some old timed coffee shop, with a homeless pissing on your doorstep every morning, living on a shitty salary until the day that you finally decide to die." Tony nodded his head. "Yeah that definitely seems more your scene."

"What seems more whose scene?" Clint said as he walked into the room, the rest of the team and Nick following behind him, all of them exhausted from training.

Tony nudged me as he tilted his head towards nick, letting me know that this was my time. "Break the news." He mouthed.

Steve walked up behind me, pressing his lips to the top of my head before he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat on the couch opposite. "Yeah- what are you two talking about?"

"Elora was just telling me how she actually wants to live in an isolated cottage, you know start a family without having to worry with finding a babysitter while she's out on missions- you know that whole boring life filled with zero chances of being killed by some robotic bad guy." Tony said causing everyone to furrow their eyebrows to confusion.

I swallowed the lump at the back of my throat, pinching tony in the side. "Yup- it's true."

"Oh sweet- you wanna have picnics and stuff?" Thor asked, genuinely curious as he took a sip of his orange juice.

"yes Thor, she does- many of them." Tony said, nodding his head sarcastically.

Nick titled his head to the right as he sat forward on the couch, interlocking his hands together. "Am I to assume that Stark is bullshitting us or does he happen to actually be telling us the truth Elora?"

"Prick." Tony muttered beneath his breath.

"I, well-" The look of abandonment across Steve's face sent a sharp pain across my chest and my eyes began to fill with tears. "It's not something that I want to be doing in the next five years, I want to be normal Nick- I want to live a normal life."

Steve ran his tongue across his teeth as he stood up, shaking his head, he kicked the coffee table closer towards myself and Tony to allow himself the space to manoeuvre through the small gap and out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. I flinched at the sound, the walls shaking for a couple of seconds before they settled completely.

My eyes were strained and wide as I stared at the door Steve had just stormed out of, a guilty feeling running through my veins.

"Monroe-" nick yelled, snapping my attention back into the room. "What are you asking of me?"

i looked at Nick, then towards Thor, then Clint, then Bruce and then Natasha before i looked back over at Tony who was offering me a reassuring nod, pushing me over the ledge. "I want to be cleared, please."

Nick raised his eyebrows, clearing his throat. "Okay-"

I widened my eyes at how surprisingly easy that was, at how short the process was; I was expecting to have been turned away to think about my decision, I was expecting a mountain of paperwork - I wasn't expecting a simple nod of the head.

"Elora Monroe is no longer apart of our team."