Lipstick Stains

Not Now, Not Ever (Bonus Chapter)

"Ga?"

"Hmm?"

"That guy earlier...you dated him, diba?"

"Yeah, but that was a really long time ago."

"Okay."

Leni and I were laying in bed, limbs tangled as we cuddled under the thick comforter. Kanina pa tahimik si Leni. Not that she's very talkative in the first place. Pero ngayon, her silence sounds so much louder.

"What's on your mind, Ga?"

"You love me. Bakit?"

"Ano ba namang klaseng tanong 'yan?" I asked, slightly taken aback. Is that why she's quiet?

"Don't get me wrong ha. I love that you love me pero bakit ako? When you could have any man, or any person, that you'd want?"

"Leni..."

"Gwapo siya saka mabait. He obviously adores you, at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, he wants to give your relationship another try."

I listened and tried to understand where she was coming from pero naiinis na ako. Saan ba 'to nanggagaling?

"Ano bang pinupunto mo dito?"

"Bakit ako? Knowing na we won't be able go out for dates, hold hands, kiss in public, or do things na pwedeng gawin ng mga normal na couple. Knowing that we'll be under so much pressure. Bakit pinili mo pa rin ako?"

"Leni, ano bang sinasabi mo? Can you hear yourself? You know that I love you and you asked me to choose to live this life with you. Ano bang gusto mong marinig sa'kin?" I sat up, anger bubbling inside me.

The solemn look on her face hardened pagkatapos kong mag-react and her body tensed. "Wala. It's not important. 'Wag mo na lang pansinin 'yung sinabi ko."

She untangled her body from mine and turned her back. Sinubukan kong hawakan 'yung braso niya but she shrugged my hand away. "Ga, talk to me please?" I pleaded, my anger subsiding a little.

"Kanina pa kita kinakausap. Instead of answering me, you got mad. Kung galit lang rin naman ang isasagot mo sa mga sinasabi ko, hindi na lang kita kakausapin."

Shit. Ngayon tuluyan nang nawala 'yung galit ko. I reached for her again, "Ga..." 

"Sa kabilang kwarto na lang ako matutulog. Good night." She stood up and left me dumbfounded and regretful of my actions.

Susundan ko sana siya but I knew better. So I remained lying in bed and cursing myself until I fell asleep.

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My brain didn't let me rest though. Paputol-putol 'yung tulog ko kasi hindi ako mapakali. Why did I have to react that way kung pwede ko naman siyang intindihin?

Hindi nagkulang si Leni sa pag-iintindi sa'kin. Ever. Tuwing magagalit ako, kahit galit na rin siya, pinipili pa rin niyang hindi sabayan 'yung nararamdaman ko and remain the way that she always was — calm and collected.

When I'm overthinking, jealous, and immature, andyan siya. Patiently listening, understanding, and comforting.

The sun was up now. Ang tagal ko na palang nakatulala lang dito. Can I still fix this?

I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. I see her back turned on me and she was cooking. Niyakap ko siya mula sa likod pero inalis niya kaagad 'yung braso ko.

"Pangga..." I began.

"Good morning. Kain na tayo." She replied not even daring to look at me.