Lipstick Stains

Spaces Between Us (Bonus Chapter)

Risa

"Oo na, okay naiinggit na nga ako. Masama ba? Masama bang hilingin na maging gano'n rin tayo?"

"My god, Risa. Wala akong sinabing masama 'yun. Ang akin lang, bakit kailangan mong iparamdam sa akin na ang laki laki ng pagkukulang ko sa'yo?"

"Ha? Kailan ko sinabi 'yun? Ang sinabi ko lang, sana lahat gano'n kasi tayo bawal."

"Gano'n na din 'yun. And you said it in front of our friends. Alam mo ba kung anong pakiramdam no'n sa akin? Ni hindi nga alam nila Kiko paano magrereact."

"Wala akong pakielam sa reaksyon nila. Sinabi ko lang na sana lahat gano'n, ano bang mali do'n?"

"Sana lahat? Edi maghanap ka ng pwedeng magbigay no'n sa'yo."

It started out as a simple argument. Dinner with tropa and their significant others, tapos nainggit na naman ako, and I made a comment. A comment that Leni took unkindly and now she's pissed.

So am I.

Our chests heaved, faces red from trying to hold back our anger pero ang hirap hirap pigilan. Lalo na't sabay kaming galit. It was obvious, pauwi pa lang kami, na hindi namin kayang hindi sabayan ang galit ng isa't isa.

We stood in the living room of Leni's condo, not too far from each other, but it felt like we were miles apart. I see her shift on her other foot, her head bowed down as she looked at the floor.

"Hindi ko kayang ibigay 'yung gusto mo." She spoke sounding resolved. Tinignan niya ako at nagpipigil na siya ng luha niya.

"I can't give you what you want, Risa. At least not yet. Pero mukhang hindi mo na kayang maghintay kaya sabihin mo na lang if I need to let you go so you can find someone who can give you what I can't."

She left me there and went inside the room. Trembling slightly, I sat down the couch, burying my face in my hands, and silently letting out the tears.

Don't get me wrong, I love Leni. I truly do, more than anything. But I want that normalcy. I want to go out on dates with her, hold her hand, and do things that normal couples do without fearing the consequences. Ayoko nang magtago. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Pinatulog ako ng pag-iyak ko and when I woke up the next morning, nakita ko si Leni, seated at the dinner table, staring blankly ahead.

Umupo na ako and she looked over to me no'ng narinig niyang gumalaw ako. "Hi," she said but didn't budge from her seat.

Approaching her, tinignan kong maigi 'yung mukha niya. Kitang-kita 'yung pagod at maga ng mata niya. Mukhang hindi siya nakatulog.

Nakaupo lang kami nang gano'n. Nagtititigan. A question hung in the air, hindi na kailangang sabihin pa kasi alam naman namin kung ano. What do we do?

"Mahal mo pa ba ako?" She asked hesitantly as if she was afraid to offend me. Magagalit sana ako but I remembered the last time we fought. The time I got mad instead of reassuring her.

Kaya I kept calm and answered her question, "Oo naman."

"Pero hindi sapat, diba? Or at least not enough for you to stay with me."

I shook my head kasi tama siya. Hindi sapat.

Umiwas na siya ng tingin sa'kin and stared out the window. In any other time, kikiligin pa ako kasi I remembered the coffee date we had before noong hindi pa kami and how I stole a picture of her looking at the window. I even made that my wallpaper kasi ang ganda niya talaga doon.