Until my Final Breath (Shikimori's not just a Cutie fanfic)

Chapter 1: Guilt

Chapter 1:

Guilt

When was the last time I hated morning?

Was it back when I studied in primary school, when all the trouble kept coming my way? I remembered that back then, I had such a piece of bad luck that I was afraid to go to school at some point. My parents used to persuade me to go, with reasons like 'you won't gather any knowledge', or 'your friends will miss you', but sometimes they just gave in and asked for my absence.

Speaking of friends, maybe the last time I hated morning was back when I studied in secondary school. I used to make some of them, not a very big group, but we had just the right number to be close together and even became best friends. However, that was also when my bad luck aura kicked in. Many of them were involved in my mess, both intentional and unintentional. I remembered that I used to bear such a pang of guilt from it, which made me refuse to join the school trip in my last secondary school year. From that day, we didn't keep in touch with each other.

Maybe this is the reason why I used to hate morning. I hated waking up, knowing that something wrong might happen that day. I hated meeting with my friends, because they innocently didn't know that I have such a bad aura. I hated involving my friends in my mess, knowing that it was not their fault that they should bear it with me. Every time it happened, the guilt in my stomach just kept filling up, leaving me with such a heavy feeling.

Sometimes, I even ask myself, what have I done in the past that deserves this?

I'm sitting on my bed in my cold, colorless room. There are rays of sunshine piercing through my window curtain, with the chirping sound from the birds. However, what I can see is just the color gray, the tone of sadness surrounding my view. I look around to find something to lighten up my mood, but all I can see is my phone lying on my bed, next to a document that contains my diagnosis, poking out, showing my test results. Next to my bed is a small table, with all the medicine and a bottle of water on top of it. I rub my eyes to keep myself awake, then I let out a sigh, but never have I felt so hard to breathe that just a sigh is enough to make my chest hurt a bit. Feeling my sadness growing, I curl myself into a ball and stuff my head on my knees.

This is nothing but a dream. I actually have lung cancer...

Suddenly, I feel something fluffy jumping on my lap, burying itself inside. I look up from my knees to see that my black cat, Gin-chan, is curling inside, letting out his usual purr.

"... Good morning, Gin-chan." I said while rubbing my cat's head, and he replied with another purr before he stretched out and played with my hand. I wonder what a cat's life would be, maybe just wandering around in the house or sleeping, waiting for its master to come home so it can play with them, rubbing its paws on their hand?

I wish I could be worriless like you, Gin-chan...

"Yuu-kun, wake up! Time for school!" My mom called from downstairs. Hearing that, I carefully put Gin-chan down from my lap, stretch myself a little bit, then rush to my bathroom, and prepare myself for school. Today is the first time since returning from the hospital that I go back to school.

But to be honest, I don't feel like going to school at all.

~0O0~

Considering how long I have been absent from school, the school has not changed much since that day. There is still a long line of busy students hurrying to the school's entrance, some of them are revising their lessons in their textbooks, and some of them are gathering into a group, chatting about different subjects. It's still the same sunshine that spreads across the ground, with the light hue of blue on the sky. Compared to yesterday, this is more colorful than the sad, tired color that entered my view.