A/N: Oh my god I had too much fun writing this.
Alternate Universe context: The Rivendel College Academy is split into two wings—East wing for Vampires and West wing for Werewolves. Of the two, Vampires are known to be the more intelligent breed. Werewolves on the other hand possess superior physical capabilities.
AAAAA IT WAS SO FUN. And dammit I had more but I wanted to get this out today. Tell me at the end if you want more. I personally liked it but I'm not sure what everyone else would think. It's definitely a play on the stupid-ass vampire romance tropes and werewolf stuff on Wattpad. I love me some satirical content.
Enjoy!
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"Having suffered from the punishment of immortality for an odd seven-hundred-and-thirty-two years, I hereby provide, in a brief summary, an overview of the two fictional vampiric species you may have encountered in your by-far short and boring lives," said Professor Vaughn Alekseyev to his class of smol, relatively young vampires.
"First, the fictional, literary vampire of Hollywood. Often portrayed as romantic figures and described as elegant or exceedingly sensual and of course, incredibly, factually wrong. This is in stark contrast to the fictional, literary vampires of Eastern European folklore, wherein they are portrayed as animated corpses spreading disease throughout the land and wrecking absolute havoc. Also—unfortunately—incorrect.
"Academically and scientifically speaking, we are not, in any way, related to the lesser demons of succubi and incubi; and neither do we possess the dull brains of corpses and zombies. Us vampires are intelligent creatures. Perhaps a little superior, in fact, when it comes to logic and the vastness of our knowledge.
"When faced with humans cowering in fear with a crucifix or rosary in hand, or some rude Karen sprinkling drops of stale tap water in our faces and ruining our perfectly-ironed suits, we observe the sheer stupidity of the human race. It is only effective if they've somehow had a plate of garlic-heavy aglio e olio beforehand, for that would serve to repel not just the vampiric race but all creatures.
"And yes! We like blood. But no, we do not require the blood of humans or animals or what-not to live our lives of suffering. It is in fact quite similar to the relationship between humans and wine. A sip, every now and then. For personal enjoyment, admiring the moon on nights very much like tonight. As do alcoholics exist in human society however, among us are the guilty few who receive help and guidance under the Ministry.
"And finally—no," Vaughn picked up a book he'd confiscated from a young werewolf he'd passed along the hallway and tossed it in the trash. "We do not sparkle under the sun."
Meanwhile, over at the West wing; Professor Xander Jaxon, head of curricular affairs, was about to start an introduction of his own.
"Omegas? Get laid. Betas? Get laid. Alphas? Get laid," he concluded. "Class dismissed."
"He has a point," said Dmitri Ford to his fellow circle of potatoes: Raul Dalto and Ace Salander, who merely nodded in agreement whilst grabbing their gym bags and heading to their next scheduled class. "What is the purpose of life but getting laid? Why are werewolves bound by natural instincts? Shouldn't eggplants be eggs?"
Indeed, werewolves were extremely intelligent creatures of the dark; seeking and absorbing the knowledge of every single nook and cranny of the world including that of memes. For some reason, packs shared a profound taste for the best of 'em.
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Wax
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