Hold Me Down

Chapter 6

"Ali?" a voice calls out softly as the door knob turns.

The door opens to reveal a concerned looking Jason standing awkwardly in the threshold of Alison's bedroom. Alison shakily expels the breath she had been holding, her fear giving way to relief.

"God, Jason, you scared me."

"Sorry," Jason mutters in apology. "Are you, like okay, or whatever?"

Alison wants to laugh at how bad Jason is at this caring big brother stuff but she's far too defeated to laugh. She doesn't say anything.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jason continues after receiving no answer from Alison.

Alison shakes her head. No she doesn't want to talk about it. Not now. Not ever. She wouldn't even know how to talk about it because she's not sure she's even fully processed what just happened. All she knows is that she feels angry and hurt and sickwhen she thinks about it, when she thinks about Emily, and she can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Alison thought she knew what it felt like to be betrayed by Emily when the brunette had openly accused her of being a murdering sociopath and turned her over to the police, leaving her to rot in prison for a crime she did not commit. That had been a pretty hard pill to swallow, but Alison knew that, like so many of the tragedies that befell her in life, she had brought that upon herself in a way. She had been deceitful, secretive, and shady, and it wasn't surprising that Emily and the others had doubted her and assumed the worst of her. But tonight was a whole new level of hurt and betrayal and she knows Emily crossed a line they'll likely never be able to uncross.

It's not just Emily's cruel taunting words, or her forceful probing hands, or even her blatant disregard for Alison's physical and emotional well-being that Alison doesn't think she can get past, it's Emily's willingness to utterly destroy them, to demolish them beyond repair or recognition, leaving them no chance at being together, that Alison doesn't think she can ever forgive. Because despite all the pain, the anger, and the feelings of betrayal between them, Alison had never been able to let go of Emily. Even when she was gone and all she had of the brunette were hazy memories and stolen moments, Alison still held onto that hope that one day she and Emily might be able to have their happy ending.

She's endured so much to keep Emily in her life since her return to Rosewood, even when Emily had tried to push her away. She's swallowed her pride and buried her pain in hopes of eventually having a real relationship with the girl she calls her mermaid, and Emily had just thrown it all away and she doesn't understand why. She doesn't understand why Emily felt the need to abuse her body when she had already given it to her to use as she pleased. She doesn't understand why Emily wanted to rip her heart from her chest when it had always been hers for the taking. Alison had foolishly thought they were working towards repairing their tattered relationship, but Emily had just wanted to hurt her and she had hurt her, deeply and profoundly. And it's a whole new level of betrayal Alison didn't even know she was capable of feeling and it's too much to bear, even for her.

So, no, she doesn't want to talk about it. Not with Jason, not with anyone. She doesn't even want to think about it because thinking about it makes her heart physically ache. And that ache is so bad, she wantsto go downstairs and take the biggest, sharpest knife she can find from the block in the kitchen and carve it out of her chest herself so she doesn't have to feel this pain anymore.

Jason looks her over in concern, his expression serious yet sympathetic. Alison knows she must look a mess and he can likely tell she's been crying but he thankfully doesn't badger her about it.

"Okay. Well, if you're hungry I picked up some takeout from Marco's. It's in the kitchen," he says finally.

Alison barely manages to nod in response. Food is the furthest thing from her mind right now.