Hold Me Down

Chapter 9

As the long torturous week comes to a close, Emily finds herself invited to a Hollis party of all things. Megan Miller's parents are out of town and her older brother, who's a sophomore at Hollis, is throwing a party. Megan and a couple of other girls on the swim team had practically demanded she attend because apparently she's been "a total downer" lately at practice. Megan had promised there'd be tons of booze and hot guys at the party, and while Emily isn't interested in the guys of course, she isn't going to pass up free booze when Alison's broken voice is still playing on a constant loop inside her brain. She's already gone through most of the liquor in her house and she can't afford to be blowing any more of her money on beer if she's going to replace what she's stolen from her mother before she notices.

She doesn't exactly want to be at a party right now. She doesn't deserve to have fun, which isn't really an issue because she's not having any, but she needs the distraction. Needs to get out of the house and do something other than think about Alison and drink alone in her room till her head grows heavy and her eyes blur. She's been ignoring her friends, too afraid to face them, and she's never felt more alone than she has the past few days. A's threat continues to hang over her head like an anvil poised to drop and crush her at any second, but the fear of her friends seeing her for the monster she's become is too crippling and she still hasn't been able to muster up the courage to come clean to her friends. She tells herself she needs to get used to that lonely isolated feeling because once Spencer, Hanna and Aria find out what she did to Alison, they won't want anything to do with her.

It's just past 10 o'clock when Emily arrives at the Miller's house. She quickly finds Megan and Chelsea and a couple of junior girls whose names she can never remember, and they pass her a red solo cup. She forces out a gracious smile before bringing the cup to her lips and taking a large gulp of weak beer. It's warm and watered-down and the taste makes her grimace in disgust but it'll do. She downs the remainder of her drink while the girls prattle on about the possibility that Chelsea's boyfriend might be cheating on her and then excuses herself to find another. Preferably something a little stronger if she's going to have to endure any more of this mindless chatter.

As she makes her way through the house she hears a familiar pearl of laughter ring out from the kitchen. Emily can't help but be drawn to the sound, following it till she's stoping dead in her tracks as her heart leaps into her throat. That laugh is unmistakeable to Emily, it's Alison's. Alison is at this party. The blonde is currently sitting atop the granite countertop in the Millers' kitchen surrounded by three college guys, tossing her hair over her shoulder and giggling drunkenly. Alison is dressed in dark skinny jeans and a gold chiffon top with a deep plunging neckline, and Emily has to practically tear her eyes away from Alison's chest and force herself to take a step back so she won't be caught staring.

As Emily watches the blonde hold court in the kitchen she's struck with the realization that she's never actually seen Alison drunk before. There had been a handful of times, back before Alison's disappearance, when they had managed to get their hands on alcohol. They would sneak off to Spencer's barn or Aria's basement to drink and she, Hanna, Spencer, and Aria would get drunk and giddy on cheap vodka and wine stolen from their parents. But while Alison had been there, right in the middle of it all, calling the shots and egging them on, she had always been careful to remain in control and coherent. Emily could still see Alison cooly sipping her drink, her eyes scanning the room in that deliberate calculated manner that was just so Alison, as Emily and the others indulged freely, uninhibited by the persistent wariness that seemed to weigh Alison down.

But there's no mistaking it now—Alison is clearly hammered and that careful guarded look in her eye is long gone.

Briefly Emily wonders what Alison is doing drunk and alone at this party when Alison has never trusted anyone enough to allow herself to be drunk in their presence in the past, not even Emily herself or the other girls, but Emily suspects she already knows the answer to that question. Alison is at this party for the same reason she is. To forget.