they wish they were us | conan gray

8. symptoms of dying

> Conan's Phone <

>> Google Search History <<

1. Noah Hinata Tanaka

2. Can autistic people tell if you like them?

3. How to make an autistic person comfortable?

4. How to get over a crush asap please i m dying

5."I THOUGHT WE WERE SOMETHING AND NOW HES GOING OUT WITH MY FRIEND" QUORA 

6. wattpad soft bxb fluff to push some air into my fucking lungs 

7. symptoms of dying 

>> iMessage <<

GUS' LOVER 

Noah: Hi!

Noah: My mom asked why you haven't been over this week.

Noah: I just wanted to say hi.

>>> an hour later <<<

Noah: Got ice cream.

>>> fifteen minutes later <<< 

Noah: No, ice cream anymore.

*******

The con of liking someone, Conan has figured out, is liking them too much. Feed a stray kitten milk and she'll show up at your door everyday. One day you move out and the cat expects the same from the new resident. The cat is learns about disappointment the hard way. 

Conan knows he's being slightly overdramatic. This isn't a divorce and technically this shouldn't endanger his friendship with Noah. What he doesn't know or doubts he ever will is, who he was before Noah's three week friendship. What did Conan from one month before do? How did he even exist? It doesn't make sense that he was a living and breathing person before him. It has to be some pleasant fever dream. No other explanation would make sense.

Noah is proof how helpless he is.

He feels as though the three weeks were a fun rollercoaster and now the ride has abruptly come to a stop or he's dropped from his seat and splatted on the ground like an egg on a pan.

(His heart physically hurts. He is hungry.)

He hopes though, or a part of him does that someday soon he'll actually like someone who wants to go out with him. He wants to believe that all this hurt will be overturned, that he is the main character. All the emotional turmoil he is is feeling will only be an effort towards his character development. The sun will set and he'll walk out towards a new life.

He's had Taylor Swift on repeat for two whole days. Never had he ever thought he'd relate to Red more than Fearless. He is dying. He is sure of it. It's slow which is what makes him more painful. 

Even mundane things remind of Noah. Coffee because that's what Noah's hair smelled like. He can't scroll through pintrest because every once in a while, he'll see a boy with a soft smile, dressed in pastel. Noah. Except no one can be Noah. Only Noah is Noah enough. 

He feels like it's his heartbreak of the century. Like Noah was the love of his life. He could have been the love of his lives. Instead he's going out with Gus. Gus who is Conan's best friend.