they wish they were us | conan gray

13. feelers with feelings

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

"Ouch." Noah frowns adorably. 

"Have you ever kissed someone?" Conan asks, breathless and it looks like Noah shares the same idea. They're not looking at each other. Conan feels the dim lights flash in his vision, his feelings for Noah are brimming too the top and it's definitely spilling tonight.  

"Not really," Noah says and then quickly adds, "I want to kiss you."

Conan has never understood the idea of being free from all burdens. When he was a kid being free merely meant that he would get to pick what he wanted to wear and eat. When he reached ten or eleven, being free meant getting out of his father's dysfunctional second family and getting to live with his mom again. In hindsight, specifically his YouTube viewers always seem to think he has had the most perfect life. He's just good at not showing or opening up to people easily. 

Freedom or the idea of feeling free feels like this. He hasn't felt necessarily trapped his whole life but after kissing Noah, he sure will. He feels as though all this time he had been locked in a box without air, for a such a long time, that he'd gotten accustomed to that. Kissing Noah feels like breathing properly for the first time. 

You've kissed him, his first thought is. It's as short as the kiss, just a mere peck on the lips. None the less, it makes Conan's heart flutter like a butterfly Conan leans in for another eagerly but Noah pushes him away. Rejection stirs in his gut and his stomach drops at the all possibilities of what might have caused Noah to push him away. 

"I am sorry, am I doing something wrong?" he says, the desperation clear in his voice. He is ready to dig a hole to die into. Conan can read that Noah is happy with the kissing, the tips of his ears are a shade lighter then cherry blossoms and his left hand is clutching Conan's shoulder possessively. Even so, Conan cannot help but panic. Has he kissed him the wrong way or- 

"Um, I am not position in this- I am not comfortable in this position, makes me feel helpless," he says meekly. Yeah, Conan's on top of him and crushing him with his weight. Conan's knee is resting between his legs. "We should move."

"Sure," Conan bites his lip and gives Noah a slight smile. Why does he feel so embarrassed at this? Noah wants to kiss him. He can see the slight blush climb down his neck and disappear into the shirt of blue pajamas. He looks so beautiful in the midnight blue ones, just the way they contrasted against his skin made him breathless. "This better?" Noah's sitting against the wall and Conan is directly in front of him, not looking at him but not looking away either. The other nods to assure him. "Can I?"

"I'd be very sad if you didn't," Noah says, using the very lips to speak that Conan had kissed one second ago. Conan laughs which only gets harder when Noah's eyes widen a little and he squeaks. "Can you just-"

Conan presses their lips together again and his body fills with warmth again. It doesn't help that Noah holds onto his shoulder like he is holding onto dear life. The warmth starts growing his stomach and spreads to the rest of his body like tingles and goosebumps. The kiss is soft and tender, they're still testing the waters. 

"Is that...good or okay?" Conan asks, twisting his own tongue because he is at loss for words at what just happened. His head is in the clouds, he has fallen off the face off the earth. It's the best feeling ever because Noah likes him back and it's the worst feeling ever because he feels he'll never learn to live without it.