Free Fall

: Chapter 18: Are You In?

Chapter 18

Are you in?

(Unedited)

I grabbed Christian's hand in the ambiguous moment of inertia switch-hit. Had I been ready for what I intended to say? The momentum of saying yes to being a boyfriend is how I should convey deeper thought before giving the middle finger to my parent's religious beliefs.

Before I turn to another page, that's waiting to be written.

"We're in the bathroom. Why?" Christian asks conveniently as I lock the door behind us. Leaving me to believe if it worked that way in movies, it would so conveniently work for me to spill the words I needed to say. Then again, in young adult books or shows, a steamy make-out session ensues before or during and I didn't want that in any shape or form.

"Cobain stayed up late and played Mario Kart," I tell him as words from biographies I had read spilled like water in front of him. I shouldn't even be saying this stuff to him; let alone in the bathroom where anyone walking by could hear what we're saying. "I shouldn't be nervous," I say instead. Compared to how I had announced to the school that Christian was attractive, I now stood with a few inches between us, completely afraid.

When Christian steps closer, I can smell his cedarwood scented body spray. My heart beats faster as I know I should convey deeper and tell him exactly what I'm thinking. However, the bell breaks the spell. I got ready to move towards the door when he wrapped himself around me. "I get it," he tells me, as he lays his chin on my shoulder.

"We're going to be late for class," he tells me, though neither one of us shows any hurry to move. This was exactly like those exaggerated hopeless teenage love stories, and now I doubted every stereotype media had set me up for.

"What I'm trying to say is," the words of the first part of the sentence spew out of my mouth like a kid who wanted to say, "it wasn't me. It was him" when a parent catches them instead of the sibling. If I finished that sentence now, there would be no turning back. No perfect characteristic flaws and self-development. "I want," I characteristic dramatic pause I hadn't planned on having happened.

"Jesus, Hemsworth, do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?" Christian avows as he leans back up against a sink, with his arms folding underneath each other. "I wouldn't scream, but I think we have something here," he adds as the second bell goes off; now confirming we're late, needing a good excuse as to we'd need a late pass after this.

We had been right. I was certain of the profound and ordained chemistry between us. I should acknowledge it, accept it. Kiss him as Philip and Lukas had multiple times, as Lukas remained in the closet to everyone but Philip in Eyewitness. Somehow, one of the biggest TV ships besides Wilhelm and Simon that I supported hadn't comforted me much as I hoped as reality had hit.

"You're right. I believe we have chemistry. It's knotted and messed up," I tell Christian as the truthfully acknowledged reality spilled out of my mouth. Was this how teens acknowledged they liked someone they may or may not have chemistry with?

"It's not that messed up honestly," Christian tells me as more never-ending anxiety leads to overthinking of what I want to say "Then just ask yourself are you in?" he adds before unlocking the door and heading for a class he was now late for because of me.

*****

I had every perpetual insecurity as to how I could respond to this. The repeated scenario of how this would play out as I remain frozen in the bathroom. I needed to get to class, but what would be the point now? I was already late for class, something that would give me a tardy mark. A student who had been so worried about failing a required class, now receiving their rank lowering standards.