Pseudo Texture

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(For mom and dad.)

The world is unfair. It was never fair. I have realized and accepted it a long time ago. It's a mess after mess.

Sana there's a rewind or pause button in life where you can see things in the past. Just to know what went wrong kung bakit naeexperience natin yung mga questionable things na nangyayari ngayon. I know for a fact that we can't change the past, pero minsan I keep on thinking about the "what ifs". What if hindi nangyari 'to, what if ganito ang nangyari, what if... Uuuhhh!

I'm currently here sa waiting area, waiting for the bus. It's my first day at college today. I'm a bit shaken up! I keep on thinking about the things that might happen today. Will I meet new friends? Will I be friends with the good ones or the bad ones?

I have no idea how college works. The only background I have are those experiences from my cousins and friends everytime na napaguusapan yung college life nila. I've ruled during my high school. Paano kaya ngayon college? What will it bring?

The bus finally came into view.

I went inside and look for a place to sit. I pulled out my earphones and put my music on shuffle. Minsan this is what I hate kapag "natetengga" ka. Kase moments like this will give you time to think things through.

It's hard growing up into an imperfect family when you've imagined a perfect life as a kid. Minsan iniisip ko, what if our family is complete? I can't picture it out though. Kaya siguro it's much better if it stay this way.

I had a rough childhood. Hindi pleasant yung experiences ko as a child. As a daughter. As a sibling. Mas naaalala ko pa nga yung mga bad memories about the bad shits na nangyari and naexperience ko when I was a little girl than the good memories na pwede kong i-treasure hanggang paglaki ko.

There's a constant fight between my mom and my dad. Hindi naman pera ang pinag-aawayan. Enough ang nae-earn ng dad ko for our family. Sobra sobra pa nga eh. There's pros and cons kapag ganun siguro ang trabaho.

My dad is a musician. He works sa iba't ibang bansa. He stays there for a minimum of 6 months minsan extended pa, then he goes back here to stay for a a few months then he'll go back.

I've realized that kapag musician ka, there's too many temptations. Lalong lalo na ang women. Damn women. They are the fckin' reason kung bakit naging fcked up ang childhood and family ko. I blame them, my father and my mother for this. Masakit syempre.

Masakit to witness endless arguments. Masakit makarinig ng constant na sigawan. Masakit mawitness yung pagtulo ng luha ng mom mo. Ano nga bang magagawa ko? Magigising na lang ako during the night, maririnig na nag-aaway yung parents ko, then iiyak na lang ako sa tabi with my brother, praying and wishing na sana tumigil na sila.

I'm a daddy's girl. Sino ba namang daddy ang hindi gagawing prinsesa ang anak niya diba. My father would teach me songs, we'll dance together, he'll buy me pasalubongs and he'll take me to malls to go shopping. Ayun siguro yung the best experiences ko with my dad. He'll tolerate me. He'll spoil me with his love and with everything. He'll give everything he have because he's too mabait. The only problem nga lang is, it seems like my mom's not enough for him.

My mom's a strong woman. I applaud her for that. Hindi lang 5 years, it's more than that ang patience niya towards my father. Natitiis niyang masaktan for him, for us. Nagiging martyr na siya and all just to keep our family. She knows, damn she knows about the other fckin' women. Kaya nga sila nag-aaway palagi eh. Nakakaya niyang nagkakaroon ng ibang lady ang dad ko. Because she loves him so damn much, she'll always be patient and she'll always forgive my dad.

Mother knows best daw. That's what they say. But I don't know. I love my mom, of course. Pero I'm not her favorite. Kaya siguro malayo ang loob ko sakanya. We're close. We're super close, we're like besties kapag nagkikita kami and kapag umaalis kami. Pero... pero may "pero".

Back when I was this little girl, I'm very maldita na. Kaya siguro super galit sakin mom ko. Palaging may argument between sakin and sa brother ko, then we'll both end up crying kase pinagalitan kami. It's much worse in my case, since I'm very bitchy when I was a kid, there comes a point where my mom told me to pack my things then go live with my grandparents. I stayed over my grannys for more than 2 years I think because my mom and I were not in good terms. When she's super mad, she'll shout at me, she'll scold me, she'll tell me she hates me and so on. Sino ba namang hindi masasaktan diba. It's like this is the truth: "sinusuka ka na nga ng mom mo, pero pilit ka pa ding pumapasok." Of course, what can I do? Wala na kong magagawa to take it all in. Syempre I'm a kid, I mean sino ba namang bata ang hindi magmamahal sa mom niya? Of course I love her. I love her so much that even sometimes it's hurtin', tuloy-tuloy pa ding akong nagmamahal.

Is love even real? Kase kung real, bakit maghihiwalay yung parents ko diba? Siguro their love was real, but they're not meant to love each other 'til the end. They both fought so hard for it, so hard na hindi na nila nakayanan in the end. Kaya there's no other way, kaya give up na lang.

My family's last straw finally broke when my dad impregnated his other woman. My mom lost it. She totally lost it. She left us, may iba na din pala siya noon last time. She's broken.

Doon ko nawitness how broken my father was. It's like witnessing a very broken hearted man. I'm seeing him. Clearly. I'm with him the night my mom left. Ako ang kasama niya sa bahay. We were from the cemetery then umuwi kami ng wala na si mom. Ngayon ko lang narealize how broken my father looked. Naramdaman ko yung sakit. He's hurtin' too much on the inside but he got to stay strong because his daughter is in front of him and is watching him. He's broken because the only woman who he can call home has found her new home.