The End

Chapter 11: That Suffocating Feeling

The hot shower washed over him, but it couldn't wash away the guilt he was riddled with. He had left his house with clarity and returned with confusion. The cocktail of emotions he was feeling was enough to make anyone sick. Jillian's kindness only made it worse. It was guilt laced with excitement. It was excitement laced with dread.

His heart had a glow it hadn't had in years. The lingering feeling of excitement complicated what this meant for his family. And though part of him knew that he should walk back into Ellen's life slowly, he couldn't help his desire to run full speed ahead.

It wasn't the hike or even spending time with Ellen that had him swirling. He hadn't done anything wrong. Patrick would detail the outing with Jillian.

On paper it was all innocent. It was harmless enough. But in his mind, in his heart, things were far from innocent. Their past was thick with desire and their future wasn't looking any more platonic.

The most concerning part was that he had chosen Ellen a long time ago. He had sacrificed his job and left his wife. Patrick had moved away from his children. The way his heart would go wasn't hard to figure out. If Ellen had chosen him, things would be very different.

"How did it go?" Jillian caught him as he exited their master bathroom.

"It was surprising," He smiled and towel dried his hair.  Patrick found a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Oh?" she asked genuinely interested.

"It was nice to see her of course," Patrick said softly, "Have a little normalcy..."

"I feel like there is a but coming," Jillian laughed.

The complexity of her statement was completely lost on her. There was most definitely a but coming. He focused on the topic at hand, "She asked me to come back to the show..."

"Wow," Jillian said trying desperately to mask her displeasure. "How would that even be possible?"

"I'm not sure..." Patrick responded with uncertainty. Sensing the shift in the room he quickly followed it with, "I doubt it was a real offer."

She must have been satisfied with answer because she followed with a calm, cool, "It would make great television."

Patrick laughed and smiled lightly.

The summer hiatus was about to come to an end. Ellen would return to the city from her Italian retreat. They would once again share the same skyline. But for the first time in over a decade, Patrick's summer hiatus wasn't ending. So much had changed and rearranged in the last six months that he felt a little nauseous. It was as if he had been stuck on a rollercoaster. Life making sudden drops and sharp turns. Though it seemed to be settling he wasn't sure that he could trust it.

He had returned home. Jill had let him move back into the guest bedroom. It was strange, but it was a step in some direction. He wouldn't pretend it was the direction he was hoping for. However, it was nice to be back under the same roof as his kids. It felt good to give up his bachelor pad and his dreams of starting a life with Ellen there.

Patrick carried the plates from dinner to the kitchen. He set them on the counter next to Jill who was loading the dish washer. They had good days and bad days. Sometimes it almost felt like none of it had ever happened. Other days it felt like he was walking on eggshells. "Thanks," she smiled as he leaned against the counter.

"Sure," he nodded.

"It's nice..." she broke the discomfort, "to have you home. It feels right."

"Yeah," he smiled, "I'm happy to be home."

Though there was something impending about Patrick's disbelief that the chaos would settle, there was also something hopeful. That somewhere in time Ellen was still by his side.