Ice Cold

15

Landon Reilly

I saw him in the morning some time during the week. The sun was still in its early stages in the sky, its light shining over the trees, its brightness blinding. He was running with his earbuds in, probably listening to some audiobook with an obscure title that only he knew the meaning of.

And when he passed by me with nothing more than a glance, I tried not to let that affect me like how holding his hand affected me. The feeling of his soft hand in my rough one was something I never felt before, something I never thought I could feel.

I had convinced myself it was just confusion and another unnameable feeling. I was just confused because I had never held another man's hand before, let alone in public, and never thought I would. That action alone was plaguing me. It was something I never imagined for myself, something I never desired, yet it felt like I had been missing out on it all this time.

And for Wren it was nothing. It would be the same for him as holding James's hand or the hand of the man that hit on him that night. He didn't have my father screaming at him in his mind that he was worthless and disgusting and wrong. And he definitely never thought about it again after the fact.

So I forced myself to think of anything else other than that night. Forget about Wren and the way he wanted to push my buttons, the way he wanted to change me to be like him and his friends. Forget about the way his hand felt in mine and the way that feeling ingrained itself in me. And forget that I did that to myself, that I ran to him and his friends like I would find more comfort there than I would facing Cooper.

I threw a wrench in my new routine and avoided the coffee shop I knew Wren would be at, and instead I turned around and ran back to campus, giving myself more time to get ready before class. If I went face to face with Wren right now, he would see right through me. He would know all my thoughts and my feelings by just looking at me and observing.

Kyle was already gone by the time I got back to the room. I quickly changed out of my clothes and checked my phone for the time and was then greeted by two text messages from Micah.

From: Micah

Hi, just checking in. Call me soon :)

Also heard your first game went well!

I sighed and debated whether or not I should give Micah a call. Part of me felt guilty for not keeping up with him after he agreed to call me less, but he was someone that could see through me too, and I didn't want to deal with that this morning. So I sent him a text instead.

To: Micah

Call you later

I got to class early and found an empty spot in the back corner of the room where hopefully no one would want to sit next to me. I had overlooked the fact that Jess was in this class, and she looked for me as soon as she got in the room, then sat down beside me. She waved and let out a "Hi" while I just nodded at her in response. Her face fell a little and she didn't say anything to me for the rest of class. That was until she caught up with me after class let out and matched my pace so that we were walking together.

"Are you okay, Landon?" she asked. She looked genuinely concerned. Her mouth was set in a frown and her eyes were widened slightly like she was trying to find some injury that wasn't there.

"Fine," I said, nodding my head at her.

She continued frowning and following me.

"Well, if you want to talk about anything, you can talk to me. We're friends, right?"