Ice Cold

38

Landon Reilly

The team took a bus to Boston on Saturday morning so we could get a morning skate in before the game. I wasn't even sure if Coach was going to play me later after I fucked up so bad last weekend, though I was doing fine at practice. Hockey could work as a distraction, at least sometimes. There were times my thoughts burdened me so badly that nothing could distract me.

Rojas was sitting next me on the bus. We were almost to the rink when he tapped me on the shoulder, causing me to take my earbuds out.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"You good to play later?" he asked, looking at me like he was trying to see if there was anything wrong with me.

"Yeah, why?"

"Last weekend you told me you weren't and I ignored you and you almost got hurt," he said, looking guilty.

I shrugged. "I'm fine."

Physically, I was. Emotionally and mentally, I wasn't.

Therapy this week kept me from completely spiraling, but my heart and head still ached over Wren. Seeing him the other day made it worse.

"I should've known better," Rojas continued. "I mean, you didn't look good, you said you weren't good. I should've listened."

"It's fine," I told him. It wasn't his fault I couldn't deal with my own shit.

Rojas still looked guilty. I didn't know what he wanted from me, whether he wanted me to be angry or to assuage his guilt. I could do neither.

"So I promise to listen if you ever say something like that again," he said.

"It's all good," I replied, turning away to look out the window.

I didn't want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. The only person I could stand to be around lately was Jess, and it wasn't like I could pack her up in my things and take her to Boston with me, even if she offered.

I felt oddly guilty about the way I left things with Wren, even if it hurt me more than it was going to hurt him. The look on his face when I told him we were over was one I'd never seen on him before. He looked so lost like I was leaving him stranded in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't keep looking at him like that if I wanted my chance to walk away.

Even days later, that image was projected in my brain. I couldn't move on from it, and that left me in a sour mood. If I could have backed out of this trip to Boston, I would have. I couldn't barely stand to be around my team. I was lucky most of them didn't bother with me anyway.

Part of me wanted to text Wren like I usually did when I was away, but I knew I couldn't. That made me miss him in a whole different way. I couldn't have him in any capacity, even just as someone to talk to when I was away and lonely. He probably wanted nothing to do with me now. The thought made me feel like there was a pit in my stomach.

The whole thing with Wren let me block out the fact that I was going to play against Elijah later on today, that I would have to face him, that there was potential that I would have to see Fox again. Those things seemed to pale in comparison to what else burdened my mind.

I went through the motions for the morning skate. Nobody bothered with me like usual, but I could feel Rojas's stare. He just felt guilty and didn't want a repeat of last week. He was right to be worried about that. I had no idea how I'd react to playing against Elijah.

After our morning practice, I showered and got changed before heading out to the bus that was going to bring us to our hotel. What I didn't expect was for Elijah to walk up to me with a big grin on his face like he was happy to see me.