The Thing About Samuel

Chapter Twenty-Two - Jason

Jason - October 2013

Jason had waited for the 'all clear' from nurse Holly before venturing back to Annabelle's room to say goodnight. Ryan had stayed for almost an hour, and he had heard him mumbling with Nurse Holly in reception through the door to the staff room. Jason hadn't emerged to face Ryan again just yet. Instead, he had sat in his chair, the years of his and Annabelle's relationship reeling through his head like an old-school film projecting them onto the whiteboard of the staff room, and sipped his tea – which steadily grew cooler.
​Saying goodnight was never easy, especially tonight. Every time Jason left the hospice a small part of him always worried it might be the last time he would see Annabelle sat in her chair, her chest slowly rising and falling, her lips gently pressing against each other as she breathed in and out. And Jason had grown to know Holly very well over the last months; and she was very honest. If her voice or words didn't tell him something, her face or actions would. Even if it was just a smile and an arm squeeze as he left the hospice.
​The drive home seemed to pass in a whirr of various surroundings blending seamlessly into each other like a watercolour painting. The headlights of cars moving the other direction, the blurring of the centre white lines as he weaved from the hospice through the village and towards his mum's house. And, finally, to the face of Samuel as his mum opened the door and he grinned at him.
​'Dad!' he cheered.
​'Hello Son,' Jason beamed, wearily. 'Hi Mum,' he greeted with a kiss to her forehead, and she returned a smile that let him know she could see how tired he was.
​'Will you eat something here, first? It's braising steak,' his mum smiled and nodded to the pan on the top of the stove that had a rich, thick brown gravy bubbling away and three large Yorkshire puddings set out across the plates on the countertop. Jason smiled, and nodded.

His mum had always had a knack for making homely food that seemed to hug his insides and cheer him up. It was almost as if she knew when he needed it the most. She hadn't asked what had happened at the hospice yet. Jason knew she likely would at some point but perhaps she allowed him to pass on the lengthy updates tonight on account of him looking so tired already.
​It wasn't long before all that was left of the dinner were a few peas and shallow smears of gravy across his plate. After a mug of tea, he had kissed his mum goodbye and loaded a dozy Samuel into the car.
​'Where are we going?' Samuel asked through a yawn.
​The evening had already started to settle in, the sky an inky blue, but Jason had decided that he wanted to take Samuel somewhere special to tell him what he needed to. And, to be fair, he hadn't seen his other grandparents in a little while.
​'To your Grandparents. Nan and Grandad Roberts.'
​'Why?' Samuel's inquisitive gaze moved to face Jason.
​He let a soft smile spread across his face.
​'I want to show you a place that was special to your mum. She would want you to see it.'
​'Is it magic?' His voice raised with excitement and Jason laughed.
​'Most definitely, but you can't tell anyone. That part is a secret that only me and your mum know.'
​Jason felt a pang of guilt somewhere in his stomach as he said it, but he tried not to show Samuel. He had meant it was magical for him and Annabelle, but a memory of a kiss tainted it slightly now and offered a different kind of magic. Something that was also special, in a different way.

As they pulled through the gates, buzzed in by Samuel's Grandparents, Samuel started to bounce giddily on his seat. Annabelle's parents didn't pay much attention to Jason other than an exchanged nod of understanding the pain that all of them were going through, but much fussing of Samuel ensued and eventually they had passed through the house and were stepping out into the garden.
​The company that Annabelle's parents had hired once Jason's dad had passed away to maintain the garden had done an exceptional job – naturally, they had to otherwise Mr. Roberts would definitely have fired them before now. And, much to Jason's pleasure, they had also maintained the painting of the writing shed and the plants around it.
​As they creaked open the door, it was as if Jason had stepped back in time to the first time he had seen a girl in there dropping all her books on the floor. He let out a short cry under his breath, but then the little squeeze of his hand brought him back to the present.
​'You okay, Dad?'
​'Mmhmm. Come on. Go in.'
​Jason observed as Samuel moved slowly around the writing shed, running his little hands over the walls, the books, the cushions, and finally taking a seat at Annabelle's old writing desk.
​'This was your mum's favourite place. Everything she ever wrote is in here.'
​Jason gestured to the numerous frames on the walls that held snippets of articles she had written for local papers safe from the wear of time. On the shelves around him were the many university books that Annabelle had used during her studies. And on the table, various scribblings of the novel that Annabelle had once said she would write spread across loose sheets of paper. The name 'Samuel' sat in the centre circled a few times and surrounded by doodles of little stick children.
​'Listen, Samuel, I have something I need to tell you.'
​'Is it about Mum?'
​Jason's heart wrenched inside his chest. He nodded. 'Come here.'
​Jason moved towards his son and picked up his light frame before spinning him round, taking a seat, and placing him on his knee. He brushed back his blonde curls from his face and kissed his forehead. Samuel's wide eyes sparkled at him with curiosity. The same eyes as his mother in which the fairy lights that still hung around the roof of the writing shed glistened in.
​As Jason stared into those innocent eyes he didn't know how he would phrase what he needed to tell his son. But Samuel was an intelligent child, more so than Jason probably. Or, at least, he would certainly grow up to be, Jason had no doubt about that.
​'Do you understand what's happening with Mum right now?'
​Samuel scrunched his lips together as he pondered for a moment, and Jason could almost hear the cogs turning inside his little mind. This must be so much for him to comprehend at his age. How he was coping with it, Jason had no idea.
​'She's not well,' he answered simply.
​Jason nodded, biting back the instigating tremble of tears. 'Mmhmm.'
​'Dad, can I ask you something?' Samuel's voice rang with inquisitive innocence, but Jason couldn't help feeling a little nervous.
​'Anything,' he smiled.
​'Is Mum going to be an angel?'
​Jason's heart wrenched, and the realisation came that Samuel was all too aware of what was happening to Annabelle. Even if he didn't understand exactly what that was, he knew enough to deduce that Annabelle wasn't going to be with them forever.
​'What makes you ask that?' Jason found himself asking, squeezing his son tightly within his arms.
​Samuel shrugged. 'Last time I was at the hospice, the lady that used to sit next to Mum had disappeared. And when I asked Nurse Holly she said that Mrs Matthews was now smiling down as an angel from above.'
​'Is that so? Well, Nurse Holly is a very clever lady.' Jason laughed a little. 'I think your Mum would want to keep an eye on you and your antics even when she's not around here anymore.'
​'And you.'
Jason was pleased that even with everything going on, Samuel still maintained his optimism and wit.
​'And me.' Jason nuzzled into his son's neck with his nose.
'Love you, Dad.'
Jason's breath in shuddered, and he inhaled the sweet scent of his son's hair that reminded him all too much of Annabelle.
'Love you too, Samuel.'