People, Places & Purgatory

Dark Boxes

Choices it's all about choices I reckon. I can recall when I was about maybe two years into recovery. I was the working member of the 8th tradition and how I will cherish that opportunity forever. Anyway a member of the OscarBall stated that it was so in so's choice to relapse. I was confused, angered and felt a muck over this phrase and determination of character!
As she explained it the fellow had all the tools he needed to relieve the problem at hand. He knew what to do and how to obtain solace from the situation or the desire.
The desire to drink.

It took me a while but I came to see her point to be valid. Remember your last drunk, never forget what happened what it was like being heavily addicted REMEMBER and utilize all you are taught or else it'll become choice which continues to help one fall!

I've been having a social work week and watching the choices by so many people who are actively harming themselves and choosing to not go a different route. I have to explain to co workers the power of choice and the mystical it has far crying from pity one may feel. Pity isn't needed and folks make choices. It's been rough folks super rough watching the fallen this week.

Self care Self love and positive esteem may it guide you, I pray!

I must say it's a beautiful morning, even though I slept like shit and worked a total of 15 hours straight yesterday! Back at it again this morning. Some of you know and if you don't know I am a Social Worker. I have my flaws and some of the things I post could make one question what is happening in me brain haha! I love the premise of what I do. The opportunity to help people try and help themselves is remarkable. It's a good fucking day when even the slightest spark of change occurs.

Some ask, why do you work so much? Well I dunno about you but I like nice things. I love my entertainment and I believe I could be a good addict. By the way REMEMBER to go to the bottom of the blog posts and see 3 categories that change but do not say they have changed. The MindfulnesS, Detox, and Body Soul categories i up date every couple of days. These are usually short tips I've learned for myself and they include some of my favourite purchases, hygiene WINS, Quick Easy Meals I love to cook and ways to reflect , disengage and discuss random things. All these things I have done and they all #help me make more out of my SelfCare and SelfLove!

My life is simple and I prefer it this way. I've lived a couple different lives in my short existence thus far. I was the outcast teenager, I then was the hotelier protege next came the Nightlife Manager and Party BOi who also then picked up the talent of Alcoholic Addict who sold his body for same! I then became invested in recovering from all the above and began a whole new life of abstinence and healthier living with yep flaws along the way towards growth. I was so invested in the fellowships of choice that my world became solely that. I was totally the IN guy in that world for a few years and that was amazing. I had to branch off and build more of my life. This included education and career building in the profession I was clearly cut out for!

Here I am now and I love my life. I love myself wholeheartedly and don't wish to change the things I do currently at all. I shop, I dine I do the spa I date myself and I love love love being present in my own random little world. I am making a life not a living.

One of the few things I had to learn how to deal with was change. As a child there was very little change. yet when it happened it happened #big time. Such as transition from country to city life. elementary to Junior High! Working as a grunt then being not included. Changing YOUR ways to fit in, erasing the real YOU. Becoming one with the or their environment. Taking complete control then losing it all over and over and over and over again.

YEP been there one to many times. The last time something so drastic happened I decided it was time to die.
https://mentalhealthcommission.ca/what-we-do/suicide-prevention/
I refuse to go there again!

So change can be an absolute stunner on one's psyche. For me it shaped who I was and who I wasnt. I grew and became strong willed and loved myself more than I ever did or could have imagined.

I've been in a funk lately and though I do believe it has a lot to do with my Mental Health Dx, seasonal change, time of year etc. It also has a lot to do with drastic changes in my world that I don't have control over. In 2 of my jobs I'm losing a connector or connecting piece, two women I work with and cherish are vacating their position. Their position in my world and how I exist in this field so well is because of them. I feel loss, sadness and slight anxiet; however at the same time I am happy for them to move on. I worry about holding my own, even though they have complete faith in me. I question my faith I guess I shouldn't but I question future and semi distance.

Change scares me still! I am human, I feel and I lust for never ending connection. Remember to love yourself, trust yourself and your friends. If they are your friend they will stay with you, if they're not a small part of heart will be lost. Stronger I am now to handle the hail if it storms.

Key point to remember and THIS IS KEY

Everyone always talking about water cooler nonsense. Who's the boss flirting with, Jerry from Accounting always looking so dull. What about Agnes from Marketing, don't think she got a man honey.
Did you see the game last night bro? How many miles you got on that beast? Did you go to the gym yesterday? How's the kids, oh that's good ( insert empathetic laugh)

I shall now quote Marshall here with "Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say, But nothing comes out when they move their lips just a bunch of Gibberish"
I had a friend share on the social about the reported poisoned drug overdoses in Edmonton this past year. I reckon they mentioned about 1758 which according to them was approximately 5 deaths a day! There are at least 5 homeless people outside my building on the daily looking all dishevelled. Transit station stops have intoxicated individuals all over and friends posted about how they see some folk in the subway very intoxicated and UN cognitive daily. Tonight I had to escort a man out of one of the businesses I work for, as he was just finishing injecting. He slowly cleaned up his area from the stairwell, did not want assistance to a shelter nor did he want help. He staggered and was adamant I not follow him down and out.

I felt extreme sadness.
I felt irritation for the situation.
I felt the loneliness I saw the pain.

I check off my white boxes each day like a daily grind. Some do the same. We talk that gibberish all day and make nice to people we are paid to be nice too. Yet at the end of the day those #human feelings are there. Raw as fuck. Burned sketch ✍🏻 into your daily diary and then check that off your done list as well.

Who checks their black boxes everyday?