People, Places & Purgatory

Colors

Blast off and think of times you have felt truly amazing!
Can you get there? What could be stopping you? When your blood starts pumping you can't ever go back, or can you??

Grasping the true emotions, raw emotions that these last two work weeks have brought forth I sit and scan through the Colors. It started with a bag of two items he carried. All he owned from a semi comfortable life. A clear bag no Color, no essence yet it represented his entire existence! Draw from that emotion I did, and slid into sadness that only grew from there. The grey area. Some of us go there with the prompt helplessness which tags along. Another seemingly distant attachment to normality you or I would consider ( at least not today ) floats into her bed. rigs blanket the picture of human sadness as she lay there desperate for a change.
He calls from the big house barred down by his sins, he can't see the white light though it has called. Doesn't see beyond the iron yet he has needs. The one who interviews with black not oil but soot scarred on tipped fingers. Clean he claims yet intoxicated by want which plagued his fear that he is being judged by me, the interview ends.

Cousin of fame endangered by red less heart shaped paper cut outs of fake love, all the while sold to the next bidder. He takes the paper she puts on a blonde wig and continues. Angered at the wrong authority.

A bruise from abuse not required or visual as another is trapped by the watchful eye of the caretaker. Family off watching from a far blinded to the green eyed monster who overshadows their sons every move. Manipulated action causes joy in the moment covering deceit seen by the mass. A swallowed up statement deemed necessary for him to keep stay!

i cross t's and dot I's

thy heart cracks fatigue

shallow tears fall clear

A presence of dusk clouds my mind for two weeks. Hands shaking pale as the mind weighs a barbell Color plank. It's as though a fruitful marbel needs to fall in order for the sky to open blue again. When the heart, my heart, stops pumping do I or will I fade to black?

We need to reach out to one another more. Our work can be unbearable at times. We fly better in schools. I believe we are in water striving to keep others a float. Let the life boat be one another. I'll be your dingy will you be mine?

Part of what I wanted to talk about in the last blog was the main discussion I had with "Craig" As we discussed his goals and plans as solid as they were something will continue no matter what we do. The activities he had planned all occupied his energy, time and discipline. I explained what that little thing is that would continue, as it continues in all of #us addicts- the mind fuck! I call it the Static, yeah just like the old TV static when the channel went off the air back when 😂 yup I'm that old!

Picture yourself a little girl long blond hair sitting in front of the tv am it begins to talk to you! Yea the static begins talking to us addicts as well, convincing voice and ideas so solid it ends us in jails institutions and usually death! I could not stop the static I needed medication I needed someone to hear it too I needed to fucking STOP!

I explained some of what Treatment is all about, rules etc and I also explained step work. Reason behind this even though Craig wasn't down for Treatment, is explaining a step that stumped me from the beginning! Sanity, are you fuckin kidding me I said to many people back then. What is this a trick question! I mean it I absolutely thought this step was a joke. Well it's 2, the second step.

          " Came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity!"

I said to Craig isn't this something? Do you even remember who the real Craig is? He said no after careful thinking. I said exactly because our sanity at the time is just that drinking morning, noon and night! That is sanity, what this is, is insanity not using! He laughed I laughed it's a laugh. We as addicts do not know or we have forgotten who the real human is behind our addiction! The addiction is so gosh darn powerful that it erases more than money career friends and family it erases the human we once were!

So what is sanity? Better yet, what sanity would we like without the option of drinking? What did we like to do? How did time pass? What was it like to hang with friends and drinking wasn't on the table- literally!

The realism in this conversation was off the charts. What is sanity? How do we find ourselves on the black out map? I brought to Craig's new table the idea of making connections in the A community. Any A community! Option a high power as you wish, doesn't need to be a religious thing. The most important thing about our sanity is maintaining our options when the static creeps up or when you feel as though you're about to go off the air!

Talk to me tell me what you think about this! Can you relate? Do you get static?

Thank you so so so much for reading!