Absolutely Tickety-Boo

Crowley Meets the Dark Mother Divine, and A Very Mannish Boy

33 A.D. Golgotha

“Here’s what I don’t understand.” Crowley says as she takes another drink, pulling the shawl off her head. “Is what made this bloke so special? There has to be hundreds of people spouting the same message, but just because he claims he’s the son of God, that means you have to crucify him?”

“He knew what they were going to do to him.” one demon explains. “He knew he was going to die no matter what he said, because he believed him dying means humans will be forgiven for all their sins and what not. So he said the most gushy heartfelt nonsense he could get away with.”

If Crowley wasn’t so utterly smashed, she’d throttle her without thinking twice about it. As it is, she has to stop herself from crying.

“Times like this it’s almost like our job is too easy, you know?” another demon comments. “People want to kill, so she sends a son for the sole purpose of killing him, and all we have to do is tempt them to give in? We almost don’t even need to be here.”

“You know what I think?” Crowley slurs her words. “I think we should just let humans be, and take credit for the crazy things they keep doing. Why not? It’s all the same regardless. Just working smarter, not harder.”

At one point, when Crowley’s even more smashed, she reaches out to Hell, trying to find Eric.

Hello?

Hey there. Guess who?

The other demons keep making lewd gestures at her until the feed gets cut by accident, and when Crowley finally reaches out again, it’s to Eric asking,

What was that?

Nothing at all. Just two of the dumbest demons in hell trying to embarrass me because they don’t have someone waiting for them back in Hell.

Oh I see what’s going on here. You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?

You’re so gorgeous.

You sound female.

I am.

There’s a laugh, then Crowley suddenly gets bolder,

Eriiiic, come on up to Earth! You’re gonna love it! All the crazy humans, the crazy things they get away with, the atmosphere!

Atmosphere? Are you even listening to yourself? You never used to say things like, ‘check out the atmosphere’.

Even in her drunken stupor, she’s still with it enough to be confused, What’re you talking about?

You’re not coming back to Hell unless it’s kicking and screaming.

Now Crowley laughs, relieved, Aw, don’t be ridiculous! Is it truly so much to ask that my Helly boyfriend come visit me up on planet Earth?

A pause, then, No, I suppose it’s not. You’re right. Did you ever track down Samarrah?

Crowley shakes her head, I tried putting the word out on the demon network, but she hasn’t reached out.

When there’s only a small noise of confirmation, Crowley’s not so drunk she can’t hear something’s off, You alright?

Of course. Just still down here in Hell, and my boyfriend/girlfriend’s living it up on Earth without me. And it’s harder than I thought it would be.

Crowley’s staring off in another direction as she agrees, I know, I feel it too.

Much, much later, after Crowley’s finally gone back to where she’s been crashing, she finds herself holding the sigil again when her demonic roommate, Beelzebub, finally decides to make an appearance.