Absolutely Tickety-Boo

Even After All That, Aziraphale and Crowley Still Ain't Goin to Goa

“Unbelievable. I actually liked Samarrah!” Pepper announces as she crosses something off on her own paper. “And in the end, she was just a--” 

“Opportunist?” Crowley tries to guess. 

Pepper shakes her head. 

“Cheater?” He guesses again. 

Another shake of the head. 

“Backstabbing--” 

“TWAT!” all four of the children say in unison. 

“Hey! Just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I’m okay with letting you swear in front of me.” Crowley reprimands them. 

“Who cares? How could she do that to you?” Pepper’s not about to let the story get derailed. 

“She had a point. If she hadn’t done that, it would’ve been someone else. Someone who would’ve done something way worse. I didn’t like it, but that part was true.” 

“So that was it? It actually happened?” Wensleydale asks. “She left it?” 

“Left what?” 

Wensleydale pats his backside. “A knife in your back.” 

Crowley reaches out to pat him on the head, but says nothing. 

“So what happened after it was all said and done?” Pepper asks. 

Crowley's looking out at the destruction and misery of what Samarrah had done, when Bee walks up to him. 

“You did even better than I wazzz expecting.” They praise. “You’ve definitely earned a commendation for thizzz one.” 

Crowley tries to turn away, “Can you just not, for once? This was not part of the plan.” 

As he walks away, “When demons develop a conscience, let me know!” 

“I lost my sex demon girlfriend. I got promoted at work. And now I was flying solo for the foreseeable future. Who knows how long it was before I resurfaced, with a renewed attitude to throw myself into work. But it turns out, I wasn’t the only one.” 

Rome, 235 AD, give or take a few decades  

“Hello?” 

Is this your work?  

“ Aziraphale ?”  

What other angel do you know would pray to you directly? Are you doing this or not?  

“Of course not. But you still think it’s Hell’s work, don’t you?” 

There are limits to what humans are capable of, and if there were ever a place where that limit has been reached, this would be it. Look at all of this! It’s horrible. It has Hell’s stench all over it.  

Crowley can’t resist smiling at hearing Aziraphale talk. “Where’d you disappear to, angel? Thought you were done with me for good. Feels like we haven’t spoken in ages.” 

What does it matter? I’m praying to you now, aren’t I?  

“I suppose. So how are you? What’s happening on your side of the world?” 

I have a new coworker. Chamuel. And I’m working with a blacksmith. But I’ve been thinking about changing course. Collecting stories instead of just listening to them.  

“Enlightening. Have I mentioned how much easier my job has become since I started working solo? Used to be I had to make sure we were all thinking the same thing, and everyone watching to make sure it’s all on the record. Now? I can just take credit for whatever crazy thing the humans cook up, and Hell is none the wiser.”