Probably You Wouldn't Like Me | Park Jay (Enhypen)

|Chapter 15: I hate u, I love u|

"But I still can't seem to tell you why. It hurts me every time I see you. Realize how much I need you. I hate you, I love you. I hate that I love you" I hate u, I love u by Garrett Nash (ft. Olivia O'brien)

Jaeyun shouldn't be awake right now, she knew that very well, but with the entire mess inside of her head she couldn't sleep right now. Or maybe she didn't want to. The music blasting through her earphones was enough to keep her awake longer. She also knew that listening to Sour by Olivia Rodrigo on repeat wasn't the best, but the album was good and she somehow felt... understood by the songs.

As her hand moved quickly with the random pen she had found on her desk, she scribbled the words she was thinking of, not even caring if she was the only one able to understand her messy handwriting, she was supposed to be sleeping after all. With the amount of pressure she was using to hold the pen, pain kept growing on her hand, forcing her to stop every now and then just to keep writing as soon as it was gone.

Is this love? Do I love you?

I don't even know

How is this supposed to feel

Even being away from you hurts

But sometimes I imagine

I make you feel the same way

Is it too weird?

She finally stopped writing and took a deep breath, not even realizing she had stopped breathing or even blinking, her eyes burned and a few small tears fell down her cheeks when she finally closed her eyes.

God, I need a break, she thought, sitting up from the desk and opening the door of her room, heading to the kitchen to look for something to eat, or drink maybe. She opened the fridge with her earphones still on, Enough for you still blasting through her ears. Well, not blasting, the song was pretty slow, but the volume was pretty high on her phone. The fact that she was standing in front of the fridge, actually trying to find something to eat made her brain think it was the perfect opportunity to focus on the lyrics, now that she could actually relate to them.

With tears streaming down her face, she found herself sitting down, her hand shaking with how much force she was using to hold the ice on it.

Yua walked into the kitchen before Jaeyun could notice her, rubbing her eyes in a sleepy state "What are you doing?" her hoarse voice asked.

Jaeyun stared at her silently, feeling embarrassed "Holding an ice cube" she said, almost in a whisper, but with how quiet the dorm was, Yua obviously heard her.

"...why are you holding an ice cube?" she asked, aside from sleepy she was also confused, very confused.

Jaeyun never knew that only one comment could make her start to tear up, again "Because I feel like shit and I want to smoke but I know I have to quit"

Yua, now fully awake, walked towards her friend and sat down next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders "do you wanna talk about it?"

"...no" Jaeyun said "but my therapist would tell me to talk to you"

"We love a wise woman" Yua said, bringing Jaeyun's head to the space between her neck and chin, patting her hair slowly "did your therapist tell you about the ice thing too?"

Jaeyun looked at the ice on her hand, it was already melting, some of the water droplets falling on the ground "I mean... this helps for anxiety too, I think. Raon eonni told me about it" she stood up and threw the melted ice cube on the sink.