Control

sixteen

The pale yellow of Petroula's walls seems brighter today.

It's officially been a week since I first met Petroula and was subsequently diagnosed with OCD, a week of opening up to people and remedying relationships.

The good luck! text from Levi this morning serves as a reminder of how far I've come.

I sit in front of Petroula, just like last week, watching as she grabs her notebook and pen before situating herself comfortably on the sofa.

"Good evening Rory," she says, smiling brightly.

I smile back in response, positioning my work bag against the leg of the armchair so that it sits up straight. I've just come from work, so it carries all my essentials.

"Today I was thinking we could go through some basic strategies in working through your compulsions," Petroula starts, confirming my comprehension when I nod. "And then I would like to get to know you more, Rory. The more I know, the better I can help you."

I nod again, nothing surprising me too much.

You can do this.

"Sure," I say, to verbally express my relative comfort.

Petroula smiles again, her blue eyes crinkling.

"Wonderful. Firstly, I was wondering if you ever have obsessive thoughts, such as thoughts which tell you that something is wrong or that you need to do something for things to be right."

It's like she's reading my mind.

I shift in the armchair, suddenly feeling exposed. But this is to help me, not to humiliate me.

"Yes," I answer honestly. "Sometimes, I just think I need to do something or I worry about irrational possibilities."

Petroula nods, writing this down.

"Next time that happens, I want you to write this thought down - maybe on your phone or on paper - and try to tell yourself that you'll deal with the action later. Postpone your thoughts, in a way."

I contemplate this suggestion, wondering if it would work if I just tell myself to check the stove later or move a pen later.

Petroula seems to notice my reluctance, speaking up.

"This may seem futile, and it may not work, but it could also be useful. Either way, it will take time, so can you try that?" she asks.

I have to remind myself who she is, who I am and why I'm here before I nod, agreeing to her suggestion.

Petroula smiles, pleased with my agreement.

"Great - just give that a go for me. The next thing I would like to go through are your rituals and how we can work through decreasing their interruption to your daily life."

Petroula searches my expression and I give her a small smile, confirming that I'm still on-board and understand what she is telling me.

"The first thing we would do is identify your triggers. For example, your car or food. Do you understand how these trigger your OCD?" Petroula asks, ensuring that I'm following.

I nod, swallowing.

"Yeah, that makes sense."

Petroula smiles, continuing.

"Exactly. We would build what we call a fear hierarchy, ranking certain actions from most-to-least stressful. For example, with food, we might start with you exercising more or less than usual in a week and end with you not counting your calories for an entire day. With the car, maybe opening and closing the door six times is the least stressful action and the most stressful would be only closing the door once."