His Sister

Loss

 I glare at the ceiling of my bedroom, trying to piece together simple thoughts in the back of my head. Such a thing is easier said than done when you're operating on little-to-no sleep. I've been having a really hard time sleeping ever since Ellie took off. I've been counting the days; Fifteen. We haven't heard anything from Ellie and we still haven't told a soul in hopes that she'll return on her own. My optimism has been wavering, but I know that wherever she went, she couldn't have gone far. I sweep back the sheets and get out of bed. Maybe some milk will help me fall asleep. I quietly leave my room and head downstairs, gripping the handrail as I make my blind descent toward the kitchen. My feet touch the cold wood floor and I guide myself to the kitchen by memory.

I open up the fridge and light pours into the kitchen and parts of the hallway behind me. I pull out a string cheese and then get a cup, opting to fill it with water instead of milk at the very last minute. I unwrap the string cheese and take a bite out of it before shutting the fridge. Just as I close the door, I hear a bump from upstairs. My blood runs cold and my first thought is that someone is breaking into my house. I tighten my hold on my string cheese and daringly begin to climb the stairs. I don't hear my dad or my mom stirring, though I thought that noise would've been loud enough to wake them. I guess not.

Heart pounding, I slowly open my bedroom door. Unfortunately, I can't see anything in the dark and I try to estimate where my desk would be. Once I set down my cup and my string cheese, I switch on the lamp. When I turn around to face my bed, I see somebody sitting there. I open my mouth to scream bloody murder as my heart rate doubles. Before I can even make a sound, I'm grabbed and pulled forward. My lips meet theirs and my body reacts instantly as I melt into her.

Ellie.

It takes everything in me to not collapse into a heap of tears. For a moment, I'm absolutely fine. Content, even. My breathing evens out as she gently removes her palm from my cheek and we pull apart. In the dim light, I see her face for the first time in what feels like an eternity. She looks as beautiful as always, despite her reddish eyes and messy hair. I'm overwhelmed with a tidal wave of emotions. Anger, relief, sadness, and confusion all compete for a reaction out of me. I must look like a blank slate as I stand before her.

"Tara," Ellie begins softly.

The sound of my name rolling off of her tongue is enough to send me into hysterics. I turn to dead weight in her arms and she holds me up, sitting us both down on my bed and pulling me onto her lap. I curl up against her and wrap my arms around her neck. She gently brushes my hair away from my face and apologizes quietly as I cry it out. My knuckles are white as I grip her clothing with every ounce of strength in my body, as if she'll disappear if I don't. I cry for an entire five minutes before I can finally speak.

"I want answers," I demand as I rub at my eyes.

She wipes at one of my stray tears, "I know... I know."

"Now." I urge.

"After Jay hit me, I needed time away from everything. I needed to think... On my own. That being said, it wasn't really my intention to leave my phone. By the time I was already gone, I realized I left it." Ellie stars, gazing toward my wall, "I just kept driving. Eventually, I was almost empty on gas and I stopped in some dead end town. I got gas, used the pay phone to call up an old friend from school, and went to stay with her at her house."

I nod against her chest and listen attentively. She takes a deep breath before she continues.

"I asked her for advice, asked her what I should do. I didn't know what to do. It isn't fair what I did to Jay and I know that. I just haven't thought about it... I try not to think about it. It's easy not to... Then, when I left..." Her voice drops off, becoming inaudible at the end of her sentence.

I begin to feel anxiety gnawing at me.

"I—Tara," Ellie stutters, chewing her bottom lip, "I care about you a lot. More than anything—Maybe even more than anyone. You know that, don't you?"

"I suppose I do," I say in a near whisper.

"You're one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important. I mean that. I'm sorry for running off. I know that probably doesn't mean a lot, but I am. I was in so much pain being away from you, and—-"

I slink off of her lap and stand up before her. I shake my head as I try to make sense of everything. There's so much that I want to say and so much that I wish I could understand. It would be best to forgive her, to move on with everything and just accept what's happened. But I'm angry. I'm angry that she left me behind without a single warning. I'm angry that she kept me worried sick. I'm angry that she turned up out of nowhere and expected things to instantly go back to normal. I grit my teeth and shrug my shoulders.

"You didn't have to leave. You didn't have to run away, you could've stayed here with me." I tell her, my voice shaking.

"I know that. Looking back on it, I wish that's what I would've done. But I had time to think. I had time to sort out everything on my mind. And Tara, I know now more than ever that I want to be with you." Ellie says calmly.

I furrow my brow, "It shouldn't take you running off and leaving me here, losing my mind to figure that out."

"I'm sorry, Tara. Please, I don't want to fight about this. We can—"

"I would've listened to you. I would've given you all of the time in the world, Ellie." I scoff, losing complete control of my filter, "You could've come to me, I could've helped you. You didn't even give me a chance... You didn't even bother to tell me. I was worried sick. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think about anything else."

"I—"

"I don't understand... You think you were in pain? You have no idea what pain is. You're a child." I say harshly, instantly regretting it the moment I close my mouth.

Ellie shakes her head, looking at me in disbelief, "I don't know what pain is?"

I continue to glare at her as she stands up in front of me. Now we're eye-to-eye and I can see everything she's feeling. Her emotions are reflected in her eyes, in every crease of her forehead, in the slight tremble of her bottom lip. I feel a surge of guilt. This is my doing.

"No. You know what? Fuck that. I know what pain is, Tara. I've been through a hell of a lot more of it than you have. You're an only child who lives with Mommy and Daddy and gets taken care of. I don't have that. I'm a teenager living on my own because my parents are too shitty to keep me under their roof. All because I can't be a star athlete like my perfect brother. Does that even sound remotely correct to you?" She has to lower her voice every time it threatens to get louder.

"For years, I've tried to mend my relationship with my parents and for years they've just fucking ignored me. Jay is the main attraction and all I am is background noise. And you know what? It hurts. I'm hurt. And if you don't think so, well then... Fuck you. I don't need to sit here and have you tell me what I feel. You wanna know what pain is?" Ellie growls, her face twisted in anger.

"What?" I challenge.

"We're done. Talk to me when you've done some growing up." She says as she opens my window and climbs outside.

She maneuvers her way back down to the ground and takes off down the street. I watch her until she's completely out of sight, wondering why I didn't say anything—Or rather, why I said anything at all. I sit down on my bed slowly and try to register what I'm feeling. All I can come up with is nothing. I feel absolutely numb. But I can still feel the hot tears that roll down my cheeks.