to fall or not to fall

my parents didn't do anything about the sexual assault.

my dad said i was to blame, for allowing a boy to sleep over in the first place.

in a way, i blamed myself too back then.

i know it's not my fault that people are dicks. but i still blamed myself.

i have that bad habit of being too hard on myself.

i told doctor zuma that sometimes i feel like im at the edge of a cliff and im hanging on for dear life. climbing to top is difficult, there are so many obstacles. holding on is hard.

and i want to let go. fighting to climb up is too much for me. letting go and falling would be one the easiest and yet hardest things to do.

"the obstacles are hard, i know. but you're a fighter, devenity, you really are. you've gone through a lot and you're still here. i am here to help you on this journey to become better", he said.

a single tear dropped down my face.

for the first time in a long time, i felt a glimmer of hope.

"it has been rough getting to this point, but in the end, my dear, will you choose to fall or not to fall?"

i close my eyes for a couple of seconds to fight back the tears before speaking.

"not to fall."