One week, just one

Who are you?

2:46am 29th June

Who are you? You're the person that's ruining me. Who am I? Go away, you don't care anyways.

 I look up at you, you're everything but I want to call you nothing. I would love to shout at you my screams are all out. I can't, though, all I do is sit and wait.

One week is all I need to last for.

One week for answers. Maybe you'll laugh at my questions. I'll pretend its alright, I'll laugh with you.

Here's something I've been wanting to tell you. You're hurting me. I hate you for it but I love you too much. 

Who are you?

You're my friend and you're leaving me. Its evident, the lack of interest you show. Your late replies, the group of friends you tag along with more often. Watching you slowly grow bored of me, like everyone else, is excruciatingly painful. I thought you were different. I guess I was wrong.

You do a lot of things just to see my reaction. I'm tired, alright? Can't you give up already? Why the hiding? Speak to me. Shout to my face. Give me something to work with. Suddenly losing interest in my companionship is doing nothing to help my social anxiety. You're at fault here.

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I button my blouse, hands shaking as I clip on the pins. My hair is tied in an intricate bun, I don't remember doing that. I think of you in everything I see. Yea, that includes trash and bird shit too. School. Oh yeah, I have to ready for school. I open the door and walk outside. I'm free for, but a second.

30 minutes later

Threading across the school grounds, I looked at no one. Nobody deserves my attention, they'll ask if I'm okay and I'll be forced to lie again. "Hey, you good?" my classmate with the small form and bushy eyebrows asked. I hate this. The lie tastes horrible but rolls off my tongue perfectly, "Yeah I'm fine, a little worried about the school work but yeah." 

How to escape this conversation? I wish I were talking to anyone else but this girl. It hit me so unexpectedly I inhale sharply, startling the surrounding students. I wish I were talking to you, your solid presence and comforting smile. My gaze turns elsewhere, I know she notices my strange behavior. 

I've been strangely insane at a subsequently tame amount. I expected I would react worse. Not many people notice the absence of me.  They think I'm purposely the class clown.

Who are you? Ask yourself that. I know you overlooked my behavior. You could sense something was wrong but u were never here. You never sat in silence with me, a steady comfort. Its like seeing another ship after being on a secluded abandoned one for way too long. The relief of knowing you won't go insane from isolation.

The day goes on.

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3:15pm 3rd July

I sit, overthinking but with a finality. Its the end of this story. It feels as if you're dead. My friends say don't push it.  You're my friend, though. I'll lay my feelings out right here, I'm devastated. I'm ashamed and horrified. I completely hate myself at this moment. I believe I'm pathetic right now. 

My drapes are drawn, the door is locked. Silent tears fall, my food all forgotten, music blaring. Suddenly, the lyrics are as clear as day. I understand now. I wish I didn't. 

You didn't do this, I did this to myself, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I should disappear. Why on Earth am I still alive? Let me tell you a secret, I'm alive since I'm too afraid. Can I just be none-existent? Poof, I'm gone. That would be amazing. "Maniac- Conan Gray" begins and I hate myself even more. What is this? 

This feeling is so hot and cold, it burns through my veins and heats my face. It all presses against my eyelids, the tears begging to be free. I feel it resonate throughout my body. "Don't be so dramatic, we had magic , but you made it tragic." the music sang. 

Who are you?

You are my demise.

Leave loudly, I beg. It'll lessen the hope I feel as you leave softly. 

The messier you leave, the surer it will all be.

One week, one lifetime.

Time is nothing.