One week, just one

These confused assumptions

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11:00pm 5 July

You messaged me.

You actually did it.

I'm so surprised and amazed, the hope flashes through my entire body disguised within a wave of complete and utter pain. I wonder what runs through that head of yours. You say a single word, our little joke to ourselves. Its not making me laugh, I want to cry with relief.

I text you, you don't text back.

Guilt immediately consumes me, gnawing at my insides. What if you weren't okay? What if you're taking a break and I'm just overthinking and making my own problems. I'm such a goddamn monster.

Maybe you need a break. So I distance even more, it hurts so badly. At this point I'm doing what will benefit you. I'll never not love you. You, you're my everything. I'm not physically capable of ignoring or hurting you. No matter how much you hurt me, I'll never hurt you, I'll try not to, at least.

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9:56pm 9 July

It all makes sense.

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2:19pm 10 July

Let's move on from you, shall we?  You're not the only thing consuming me, as a person. There's the dilemma of my friends. 

I'll simplify it for you. After approximately five months, my friends tend to drift away. Another month and we don't talk anymore. 

Have I mentioned how easily I get hurt? I don't believe so. Well, its pretty easy to get me hurt. Once you gain my trust, you can affect me with pretty much anything you say. Once I trust you, I give you my heart and hope you don't destroy it. I'm pathetic, I should expect all the times I've been broken down. I did this all to myself.

Anyways, allow me to rectify.

There's six characters to this story. Let's name them. 

So, first up there's Ben. He's funny, looks like an emo and very amusing.

Then there's Iris and Hanna, two girls which I generally consider the best friends of the group. Sweet, funny and kind.

Meet Tane, Iris' boyfriend. He's kind of mean. Yeah, that's all remarkable I've noticed about him.

Hanna's boyfriend, Alan, is charismatic, funny, sorta innocent and welcoming.

Finally, Mabel, bossy, kind, joyful yet stressed; she secretly likes Ben.

We all laughed and had an absolute blast when we talked together. Well, everyone besides Tane did.

I thought we had all developed a bond. I was joyful and excited to be part of this insanely awesome friend group.

NO, the world shouts at me, YOU CAN'T BE ECSTATIC!

So, suddenly, Iris hates me. She instantly began treating me as if I were trash. I'm befuddled and betrayed yet I continue being kind. I wouldn't react, it could all be a sick joke.

It continues, Iris hating me. Ben, Mabel, Hanna and Alan have no problem talking to me. Why in the world does this girl and her boyfriend hate me so much? How do I respond? I can't be belittled like this yet if I insult Iris, the entire group will hate me.

So I endure.

I inquire what I've done to deserve her disgust. 

"You just breathed"

Should I laugh? Was it a joke? I see no answers here. 

My mic broke during a call with Ben, we acted out what we wanted to say. It was fun wearing hats and dancing like psychopaths. 

Now everyone ships Ben and I, they jeer and laugh. I know Mabel loves Ben so I deflect the attention. He's just my friend. He'll always be 'just a friend'

 My heart is for you, never for him.

Mabel confesses her attraction to Ben with me, I sympathize. 

You and Ben are really similar, you know that? Funny, witty, emo-looking. Your voices are of the same pitch, your movements are similar. One of you seem to be a cheap copy of the other.

I'll always love you more, though.

No matter what you do. I love you.

Hanna and I have a confused friendship, unsure how to proceed because of Iris. We try, though.

Alan is the most chill dude in the friendship. He goes with the flow and doesn't complain. He jokes around but never offends anyone. I like him, he's nice.

All  because of Iris, none of them have a single notion on how to act with me. "Should we hate this person or not? ", they assumably wonder. 

I

try

so

hard

yet they break my heart.

Their hate for me has driven them to flee.

Friendships

are

shit.