One week, just one

Epoch Aftermath

8:02pm 3rd July

Hey, you!

So now we know who you are! The person who just destroyed me...a little. Cuz guess what? Your silent goodbye has made me hope, as I anticipated. I healed my hurt with the benefit of the doubt. My friends say you're taking a break.

They say you don't like how many messages I send to you while you're trying to "Take a break"

All right then! I'll stop telling you good morning everyday.

Feel the burn of neglection like I have. If you don't, you never cared about me. 

Did you know I met someone today? Every time I speak to them I think of you. They're the replica of you except they're untainted by the shit you've been tainted by. I love your tainted self, but can your tainted self just not choose to be oblivious?

I don't want anything more than friendship, I'm fine here. Its nice and cozy in this place. You're showing less interest in me than before, I repeat what I had said in the beginning, you're drifting from me.

I understand, my jokes are getting stale, my way of speaking is getting annoying. But its HELLA HURTFUL.

You're amazing. Smart, funny, caring, sometimes dark, ruuuudeee and you totally love the duck song (not). 

You're not any of those things to me anymore. You block me since apparently its "Funny to watch you angry"  You don't care anymore. You're absorbed in self- hate. I will slap you, mark my words. I will whoop that self-hate out of your ass. I could help cheer you up, I could listen. Yet, no, you decide to go through it all alone.

You have a best friend. Its not me. You have so many other friends. I'm one of them. I'm one insignificant unnoticeable person in a sea of dull colors. I was once glowing, I was red and I couldn't go unnoticed. 

Guess what? Now my color is gone, I'm the corpse of what I was. Its like listening to your favourite song on repeat, eventually it wears out and you hate it with passion.

Do you hate me with passion?

No, since I'm now insignificant. No, my presence in your life isn't worth being loved or hated. I'm one more frivolous, unobtrusive person dying for your attention, aren't I?

9:39pm 4th July

When I think of the word 'leave' and associate it with you, my heart aches. Its as if I can see it being crushed in a demon's gnarled hands. The air just disappears from my lungs, I'm stifled. I flood with a heart-shattering sorrow. I'm drowning, something you fear oh-so-much. 

When I think of you leaving I imagine life without you. The worn universe just being the worn universe, no more laughs or brightness. Nothing to look forward to, just plain and simple. I've been punched in the gut, reality shaking my tired bones as I gulp, trying to absorb it. Attempting to regain my composure, my life, my own thoughts that aren't consumed by you.

Thoughts spiral and I think and wonder, think some more then overthink. The tears build, I wipe them away. I huddle in this jacket of my mothers', inhaling her subtle smell. Nobody will understand this pain, its unique. They'll sympathize to some extent but no one can pinpoint why I still try. Why I'm still here, trying again and again. 

Dramatic and weird. The words overtake me again. Dramatic. Dramatic. Dramatic and weird.

I'm weird and dramatic. I'm freakish and I beg for attention.

That's all they said, I didn't listen till you said it too.

I'm weird and dramatic.

The tears build but no. I'm too weird, I'm too dramatic.

So I don't cry, I stare at the floor till the rage builds and builds till I'm nothing but that. Anger and sorrow. Who would've thought I would become so pathetic?

So the cycle begins again. Except now there's one more word to this list. Pathetic.