One week, just one

maybe it was the september air

Your girlfriend made you block every single female in your contacts. Besides mother dearest, I assume. Can you feel the rage on my behalf? I mean I'm surely not entitled to the rage but I'm their human. The emotions own me.

Crab egg eyes.

I have this thing where I describe people's eyes in the weirdest yet most accurate way possible. Sperm eyes. Sunshine cloud eyes. My eyes remind me of darkness. Someone once said that I have the darkest iris they had ever seen. Strangely accurate since the brown is barely visible most of the time. My eyes are shadows. Just like you.

Your new girlfriend's eyes are crab egg eyes. Do I know how crab eggs look? Definitely not so don't google it and embarrass me. No, they are not white. In the picture I saw of her she was in the sun. Her eyes looked strangely orange? Like jesper's eyes in that horrid vampire movie.  

At first I thought she was beautiful. I used it as fuel to speak of how unlovable and horrible I look.

Then, who am I kidding? She looks like a drag queen. Her face is always full of layers and layers of too-white makeup and her hair always looks greasy and unwashed. Her clothes are scandalous. I would never wear such revealing outfits. They're so...underclassed. 

So, I admit, I am better looking in the toxic mind of mine. I mean self-confidence isn't a crime. I'd overthought forever until this year. This year? I stopped caring how I look. My bodily insecurities? All gone poof. Since who do I need to impress? Not you since you're gone. The finality in which I say this is crazy. (crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room. a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. rats made me crazy.)

All my antagonizing over being pathetic and dramatic? Well do I care? Certainly not. I am the most dramatic person you'll meet. I AM theatre. A young aristocrat with a dangerous lack of self-awareness and a wish for long-lived contentment. I'm also so very pathetic. Then again, I don't care anymore. How does one who doesn't care be pathetic? By simply breathing of course!

Remember the friend group I mentioned? The girl who said she hated me for breathing? Well it was only her boyfriend and now she loves me. The rest of the friend group? Let's just say they left shortly after the boyfriend left. So its me and the girl who seemingly hated me for breathing.

Funny, right?

I've forgotten the exact details of your face. I think I'll remember your voice forever, though. The measured way you spoke. That laugh. Damn, that laugh.

In any case, hope is all but extinguished. I mean the only hope I have is for you to break up with your girlfriend. And that's pathetic. Actually, I don't really want that. I want you happy. Even if it means me not being part of your life.

Huh. I guess that's it about you.

as long as i'm with you i've got a smile on my face