Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 4

Lan Xichen was returning to his quarters when he saw his brother stepping from one to foot to another in front of them. Anyone who would have not known Lan Wangji as well as the First Jade did could have perhaps overlooked it, but Lan Xichen knew that his brother was very nervous right now. And he could also guess the reason. The very noticeable absence of Wei Wuxian by his side spoke volumes in itself.

Lan Xichen had been expecting his brother to come to his for his advice for a while now. It could not go unnoticed that the new family which Lan Wangji had so painstakingly gained and now protected was not acting as normal. It was evident even to outsiders how Wei Wuxian was overprotective of the baby, to the point of hardly coming out of the Jingshi. Perhaps it could have been passed as simply being overwhelmed by the new role of a parent and by his past experience. However, by now, it was becoming a little too much when he would not even take A-Yuan to play with other children regularly and keep him close at all times.

Not that the baby was unhappy, both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji cared deeply about him and would provide him everything he ever asked for, but it was not a good situation. They all needed a little breather, Wei Wuxian most of all. Lan Xichen had offered several times already that he would watch the child so the parents could at least have an hour of alone time or go for a stroll in Caiyi town, but he had been subtly refused on all occasions.

Nevertheless, as Lan Wangji was waiting for him in front of his rooms, Lan Xichen had a feeling that he had had enough and had reached the point where he came to seek advice on the topic. He too had been worried about his husband holding himself up in the Jingshi.

"Wuxian is acting all against his curious and adventurous nature that could have been seen for the several months between the time he had started to get over the abuse he had suffered from his adoptive mother's hands and the time he had learned about his pregnancy. Even during the months of expecting the baby – of course after he had come back from his unfortunate escape attempt in the Burial Mounds, I still have chills thinking about it – he had been docile and very careful. I can only guess that there is a deeply rooted trauma hiding behind his current behaviour.

I am also worried about him, much like Wangji, and have already thought about several ways how we could tackle Wuxian's fears, I only have to first understand from where they originated. I have my suspicion, and Nie Huisang had agreed with me when we have last talked, but I cannot not be sure until I talk to Wuxian about it. Especially not when I know fully well that no one, perhaps aside for Wangji, had discovered the true depth of the inflicted trauma."

Lan Xichen hastened his steps and greeted his nervously pacing brother – at least by Lan Wangji's standards – already from far away: "Wangji."

"Brother," addressed him the other in turn. When he turned around, Lan Xichen could clearly see that his usually stoic expression was not there. Instead, although still subtle, there was worry written all over his brother's face.

"Come inside, Wangji, let us talk about it."

Lan Xichen invited him gently, opening the door and entering first. He gestured to the low table on one side of the room and Lan Wangji went to sit down opposite to him. Lan Xichen started preparing tea, a necessity for all their conversations and from the corner of his eye, he observed his brother. Lan Wangji had never been one to show his emotions openly, but what was currently happening must have truly fazed him as he was way more readable than normally. He was convinced that today, everyone would have been able to tell what his brother was thinking, not just selected and experienced few people.

When the tea was finally ready, Lan Xichen served two cups and looked at his brother. It seemed like a weight have been lifted from Lan Wangji's shoulders and he could finally start breathing. He had been so tense it had been concerning, luckily, a little of that burden had subsided already, possibly due to the familiarity of the ritual. He was glad that Lan Xichen was ready to listen to him.

And that he was. He smiled encouragingly and nodded in invitation: "Wangji, can you tell me what is happening? You look very worried."

"Mn," replied Lan Wangji at first and Lan Xichen waited patiently for him to continue. Long lost were the days when his little brother would only give this kind of reply and would let Lan Xichen guess everything else on his own. He was getting better at communication lately, all thanks to his husband and their child.

After taking a deep breath, Lan Wangji did indeed continue: "Brother, I am worried about Wei Ying. He is afraid of leaving A-Yuan alone and it is becoming too much. He cannot continue like this."

Lan Xichen nodded and joined his hands in his lap. It was just as he had suspected.

"Wangji," he turned to his brother with a serious bud kind expression. He was actually sorry for him, and for Wei Wuxian; for the whole little family really. They had all been through way too much already, even A-Yuan as an unborn baby.

"I have also noticed that Wuxian does not seem to be acting quite like himself lately." That was a great understatement, but there was no way Lan Xichen would not be subtle about something like this. He did not want to upset his brother even more.

"Do you perhaps know why he would be so protective of A-Yuan? I know that being a parent is a great responsibility, but you also need to relax from time to time."

"Mn," replied Lan Wangji again and for a second, Lan Xichen wondered which of his concerns he was agreeing with. Or was he perhaps replying to his question?

Indeed, Lan Wangji was as not even a second later, he elaborated: "Wei Ying is worried because he had already lost one child. He wants to assure himself that A-Yuan is safe at all times."

"Oh, so that was it," Lan Xichen wanted to cry. Or fly at top speed to Qinghe and do something very un-sect leader like to a certain woman kept prisoner there. "Just as Nie Huisang had suspected all the way back when Wuxian had run away and had hidden himself in the Burial Mounds to protect the baby he had been expecting.

He had lost a child before, such a tragedy. I wonder if it had been an unborn one and something had happened during the pregnancy or if Yu Ziyuan had harmed another child much like Wuxian himself. He must have been so young when it happened..."

In the end though, it did not really matter which one it was, the point stayed the same: Wei Wuxian was scared for A-Yuan and acted as he knew best.

It was a little saddening that he still apparently thought that he could not fully rely on other people. Maybe it was less because he did not trust anyone and more because he simply needed to keep his son in his line of sight at all times. He only hardly ever let Lan Wangji watch A-Yuan on his own so it was probably not really a question of lack of trust but something much deeper and more painful. Lan Xichen's heart was hurting for the young father, he was still being haunted by his terrible past.

"I see," he replied thoughtfully in the end. If this was the case, they could only do one thing. "Wangji, I may have a suggestion. We should try talking to Wuxian about it as well."

"Thank you, Brother."

When Lan Wangji left, he looked very relieved and the crease between his eyebrows had cleared out. Lan Xichen was glad.