Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 10

Wei Wuxian was blushing. Not for any obvious reason like Lan Xichen seeing him and Lan Zhan kiss hungrily or because Nie Huisang was making suggestive propositions. No, it was mainly because he was ashamed of forgetting the anniversary of him and his husband getting to know each other. The Qinghe Nie sect heir was right, it was exactly three years since he had first come to the Cloud Recesses. Truth to be said, it felt like much longer.

"So many things have happened since that day I first crossed the Gusu Lan sect's barrier with hopes of getting a little break from Madame Yu's discipline. I would have never imagined just how drastically my life would change. At first, I have been scared to death of anyone finding out about me being an Omega and about how Madame Yu had been training me, I have still found solace here. It is all thanks to Lan Zhan and all my friends that I can sit here with A-Yuan in my arms and be happy. They have all done so much for me.

And the most Lan Zhan of course. How could I have forgotten to thank him properly? We have never really celebrated, did we? The first year, there was the hassle of the wedding and I have still been a mess, barely keeping myself together. Then, I was pregnant and pulled up my stupid escape stunt. I have been recovering and gave birth afterwards with Lan Zhan keeping both eyes on me around the clock, but we had still not gotten to celebrate properly as we have both been busy with taking care of A-Yuan. And this year, I am such a mess again that I have actually forgotten about the anniversary altogether... I am such a bad husband... I should make it up to Lan Zhan.

But A-Yuan is still here and we cannot just abandon him all alone, what if something happened? I would never forgive myself for not being careful enough. I know the best what kind of dangers the world outside of the Cloud Recesses is full of. Such a small child would not be able to survive on its own and I had seen way too many toddlers meet a bad end when they had been left to their devices or lost from their parents' sight only to be hurt by accident."

Wei Wuxian was deep in his thoughts and Nie Huisang must have realized what he was worrying about. He intervened even before Lan Zhan had caught wind of the self-blaming streak and reassured his husband again and again that he understood all of Wei Wuxian's weird and exaggerated behaviours.

Suddenly, all of the previous joking was put aside and Nie Huisang's voice softened and became impossibly kinder, much as if he was coaxing Wei Wuxian out od his overprotective shell: "Brother Wei, it is fine to be scared for A-Yuan, he is you son after all. But believe me, I speak from my personal experience of living with an overprotective brother. While it is reassuring to know that someone cares about you as much as you do for A-Yuan, it is also necessary to let them breathe freely and discover the world on their own terms.

I know it may sound harsh, but no matter how great a cultivator you are or how much determination you have, you cannot protect A-Yuan from everything all the time. One day, he will be old enough to want to leave to gain experience; he will not always want to stay in the Jingshi, or the Cloud Recesses, with you. So, would it not be better to help him prepare for this time by supporting him in his learning and by helping him meet different people?"

There was a long silence in the room. Everyone was looking at Wei Wuxian who in turn had his eyes only for the toddler he was holding in his lap. A-Yuan was smiling at him brightly, not understanding a word from the conversation but still wanting to support his father. Or, perhaps he actually understood that Wei Wuxian was currently on a crossroad and he was scared to death to take either road forward. He was petrified on the spot and felt as if his legs were being swept from under him.

He barely felt that Lan Zhan held his hand, he was completely lost in the ocean of A-Yuan's trusting and innocent gaze. "I know that what Brother Nie is saying is true, I know it. A-Yuan deserves to have the best life, I cannot keep him back by tying him to me. He did not yet realize but he will one day. I would not survive if he came to hate me because I all but imprisoned him here in the Jingshi because of my over-exaggerated fears."

The silence was getting longer and longer but Wei Wuxian did not even notice it. He was prisoner of his own thoughts currently. He only snapped out of them when A-Yuan put his little hands on both his cheeks and squeezed a little, in the same way Wei Wuxian often did it himself to make the toddler laugh. And laugh he did, sweetly and adorably and Wei Wuxian's heart was aching with the knowledge that he was possibly depriving his son from many other funny experiences outside of the Jingshi. But still...

"I know," he whispered in internal agony, "I know all of this, Brother Nie. But I just cannot..."

It seemed like Nie Huisang and Lan Xichen were once again one step ahead of him. They looked at each other in a secret silent communication and then the First Jade faced Wei Wuxian with an endlessly soft smile and voice:

"Wuxian, we understand. And Wangji does as well. We are not saying that we are going to take A-Yuan from you this instant and send him out of the Cloud Recesses. It is enough if you have even a little desire to try. We can work on this together. We will help you push through, the same as for all your other past fears; you should be embarrassed for having them, they were not your fault. We are here for you and A-Yuan, you are not alone in this mission. Wangji, us, all your friends and everyone in the Cloud Recesses is here to support you and protect A-Yuan alongside with you."

"Wei Ying, I am here as well." Lan Wangji hummed into their mental bond and that was really the last drop for Wei Wuxian.

He was completely overwhelmed and tears were gathering in his eyes. He was loved, and he was not alone anymore. How could he have forgotten these simple facts? He buried his face in A-Yuan's soft hair in an attempt at hiding his sudden emotional state.

"Thank you..." he tried to convey all his gratitude in those simple words because there was nothing else he could say right now.