This is the Sound of War

I Reach For Me But I'm Not There, It's So Lonely But Who Cares?

"So...you and Peter are...close," Steve says, a week after Alex's trip around New York, setting a glass of orange juice down on the counter of the tower's communal kitchen in front of Alex.

"Mr. Rogers-" Alex starts, cheeks going pink.

Steve just chuckles and pats Alex on the shoulder.

"I've been there, I know how it feels. How are you dealing with it? If it wasn't okay in my time it probably wasn't much better in yours," Steve asks, eyes scanning Alex's face.

Alex's eyes fall to his lap, a faint memory of Peter's hand in his own making him smile.

"Yeah, it wasn't the most acceptable thing to be, but it was tolerated, I guess. I think a lot of us still ended up with internalized homophobia or transphobia anyway, just because of reactions from parents or family members..." he trails off, looking away from Steve.

Steve frowns, his heart filling with empathy.

"Would you like to talk about it, Alex? I know there's not really anyone your age but Peter because you still look and feel 17, and he hasn't been through nearly as much as you have," Steve asks, his voice going soft.

Alex still won't look at him.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me, Mr. Rogers? For who I am? What I did?" Alex asks quietly, voice shaking slightly.

"I killed so many people, just like Bucky. Maybe more. But everyone seems so forgiving of him because he was 'Caps Best Friend.' No offense to you of course, but its like everywhere I go, there are people who look at me like I'm just gonna to snap and murder their children, or turn them gay," Alex says, messing with the seam at the bottom of a hoodie he stole from Bucky.

"I just don't want people to be scared of me."

"Alex, you've gotta learn to ignore them. There will always be those people who don't trust you because of the things you've done in the past. But those things are in the past. And the things that you did, you had no control over. You cannot blame yourself for things that aren't your fault, or you'll be blaming yourself for the rest of your life. You didn't have the chance to come out to the whole world, that happened when the HYDRA files were leaked. And yeah, that sucks, but trying to make everyone like you isn't going to make anything better if you have to change who you are for it. YOu can't control their fear, and people will always be scared of the unknown," Steve tells him quietly, laying a hand atop his on the kitchen counter.

It's a small comfort, but it's a nice gesture. And Alex doesn't flinch away from it, so Steve takes it as a win.

"Thank you," Alex whispers, resting his forehead on Steve's shoulder quickly, then getting up and leaving, sniffling and wiping his nose on the sleeve of Bucky's sweatshirt.

———

"Hey, Stark?" Bucky asks to the darkness of Tony's workshop, walking around carefully.

"Yes, bionic staring machine?" Sam answers instead.

"You're not Tony," Bucky says, frowning.

Sam laughs, flipping a light on.

Bucky squints, trying to make his eyes adjust.

"I'm definitely not Tony, but he left me to use the bathroom. He'll be back in a second," Sam tells him, cleaning a metal pipe that is attached to his wings.

"Why were you fixing your wings without the lights on?" Bucky asks, tilting his head to the side.

Sam laughs at him again, and shrugs. "I was testing my new night vision goggles."