Peculiar [PSLU #1] [GL]

P44

Daniella Vienn Cervantes

"Don't say that...don't you ever say that!" I was shocked to hear how she suddenly raised her voice.

I felt that her emotions were all over the place, kumuyom ang kamao nito na parang pinipilit ang sarili na kumalma. This is the first time that we are arguing for real and I don't like us being this way.

"It is true, Guinevere. Hindi mo maiintindihan kung pano ko gustong sirain ang muka ko dahil gusto kong baguhin ito." Tinuro ko ang sarili ko. "Dahil nagbabakasali ako na kung di ko siya kamuka ay mapapansin mo rin ako."

She was biting her lips as if she was stopping herself from doing something. Lumalahim ang kanyang pag hinga and her jaw was moving aggressively, madilim at matalim ako nitong tinitignan, pinipilit niyang pakalmahin ang kanyang sarili.

"Then why did you choose to lie?" Napalunok ako sa tanong niya.

Napapikit ako sandali at kalmadong hinarap siya. Hindi ko inalis ang titig ko sakanya na para bang nangungusap ang mga mata ko. I did expect this na balang araw kapag nagtagpo ulit kami ay paniguradong magiging ganito ang daloy ng paguusap namin. Pero ang sakit, ang sakit pala. Para siyang unti-unti nang tuluyan nawawala sakin.

"I lied because I lied, Guinevere. End of discussion, walang tamang rason para sa pagsisinugaling ko. I hurt you and that should be your only concern." Diin kong sambit.

"You're hurting me..." Napatingin ito sa ibaba at may pinunasan sa mata. "When that day happened it feels like my world was wrecking apart. At ang tanga kong naniwala sayo! You did this to me, Daniella."

Blame it on me, baby, it's okay you can do it. No amount of words couldn't probably explain the pain that I caused you. Wag mo lang saktan ang sarili mo, wag mo lang sisihin ang sarili mo, wala kang kasalanan. Dahil mas masasaktan ako kapag nakikita kitang nasasaktan.

You can hurt me, slap me, punch or even kick me. You can pull out the guns within you and I wouldn't even mind if you're gonna pull out the trigger.

"I made you my home, Daniella." Mahina nitong sambit at tuluyan ng napaiyak. Hindi ko narin mapigilan ang sarili sa emosyon na gusto ng lumabas sa mata ko. I couldn't find any right words to say.

I did this, I did this to myself. I did this to the person that I love.

"Do you regret it?" 

I really look like a fool now for forcing myself to the answers which basically were just imprinted on my imagination. Kasing walang kwenta ko ang tanong na kumakalas sa bibig ko. It was obvious from the very start, that I was just being delusional.

"I don't...but I wanna think twice now." Tuluyan akong napahagulgol sa sakit na nararamdaman but I still didn't blame her.

If her words right now is what keeps her alive, if the way she acts right now is making her safe from nightmares and overthinking. Tatanggapin ko, sasaluhin ko lahat, kahit parang bala ang bawat salita na binibigkas niya, okay lang basta naiilabas niya ang galit niya. Ayokong makita na pinipilit niya ang sarili niya na maging maayos at patuloy itong tinatago.

"I u-understand...I can understand it, baby." She was shaking her head habang tumutulo parin ang luha niya sa pisngi. 

I wish I could hug you right now, Guinevere. I wish I could save you as I wipe your tears away and kiss them. Kung pwede ko lang saluhin lahat ng sakit at puot na nararamdaman mo. Kung pwede ko lang ibalik ang kahapon, papalayain kita sa mundong walang ibang ginawa kundi bigyan ka ng dalamhati.

"I don't think you can understand the depth of what I felt that day, Daniella. You were just here to fulfill the promises that you vow to do with your sister and I blame myself for believing that you had genuine feelings for me, I blame you for wrecking my walls and I blame myself for opening up my doors for you."