Vanity, valor, veracity

Chapter 5

They lay quietly, her head on his chest, he, stroking her soft hair. This was when he usually excused himself, but she felt so perfect there against him and for a moment he was lost in the feeling, wondering why he never thought he could have something like this. Why he couldn't have someone who was there for him, always, like this. And then he chided himself. Even if he were to allow himself to indulge in this, he had absolutely picked the wrong woman. Was that why he was staying? Because he knew there was no possible way for her to be free for him—and that let him off the hook, so to speak? It sure sounded like him. The perfect woman—perfectly unavailable.

But even so, he wanted to know more. He wasn't sure why. From a heroic perspective, maybe he was curious about her circumstances so he could possibly help her escape? Or maybe it was just to confirm that she was indeed as unavailable as she appeared, that he needn't worry about an attachment. Either way ...

"Morgana," he said quietly into the darkness. "Can I ask you a question?"

She stiffened and then after a pause she answered, her voice traced with an uncharacteristic bitterness, "Because I was a vain, self-centered fool." She looked up at him. "That was your question, right? How did I end up with—him?"

Erwin nodded. It was indeed what he was going to ask. She turned her eyes back down. "It's a long story..." she sighed, pulling away to lay on her back, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. "I don't like to think about it."

"Please tell me," asked Erwin, rolling onto his side towards her and taking her hand. He couldn't deny that he was just plain curious. "It can help sometimes to talk about things..."

"I'm not sure how it can help here... but, well..." She took a long breath and thought for a few moments. "I guess if you want to know all of it, it really started when I was a girl. Growing up I was terribly insecure—I was always the ugly duckling." Erwin scoffed. "It's true—I was the one who didn't fit in. I grew up in Heinrich in Wall Maria—have you heard of it?"

"Yes," said Erwin, his brow furrowing in memory. "I've actually had people ask me if I'm from there."

"Well, then you understand. Most everyone there is tall and lean and blonde and blue-eyed—very much like you. I was short and dark-haired and, well, had a curvier body..."

"Which is beautiful, by the way..." he said pulling her close again.

She rolled her eyes a bit and continued. "Well, I had no self-confidence back then, never felt attractive, or that boys would like me. It didn't help that my mother died when I was just starting puberty and my father was—eccentric. He meant well, but he had no understanding of what's in a girl's mind."

"Then when I was 15 my voice was discovered. And all of a sudden, it was like a new world. People flocked to me. I went from being the ugly duckling to the belle of the ball." She hesitated and he could feel the regret, the guilt coming off her in waves.

"And I loved it." She closed her eyes shuddering at the memory. "Too much. I realized I could be famous. I had been so insecure that I went after fame with everything I had. And the more famous I became, the more I wanted. It all went to my head. I was thoughtless—I knew my father didn't want to bring attention to our family, but I didn't care. I knew that he was fearful—but I wanted adoration so much that I just didn't care."

She pushed away from him, biting her lip, embarrassed. "And then there was the power I all of a sudden found I had over men. There's nothing like an attention-starved 16-year-old girl when it comes to vanity. I was a tease and a user—especially if they were rich and could help my career. When Lord Shelton started paying attention to me, I was flattered—he was such an important man and a lord," she stopped and shook her head. "And I thought I had him wrapped around my little finger. Stupid girl. By the time I realized that he was not someone to toy with—it was too late."