Vanity, valor, veracity

Chapter 20

The day before the mission to reclaim Wall Maria had arrived. Hange and Levi were going over the plans one last time in HQ, as Erwin studied a recently discovered map of Shiganshina; a cadet had found it in the Survey Corps vaults and brought it to him just that morning. It was much more detailed than any other map he had and he winced a little when he saw the signature on the lower left corner read E. Sorkin.

Even though Erwin didn't want to, he couldn't help but contemplate that name. How that man's excursions outside the wall had made his daughter feel. What kind of message did that impart to her—his utter disregard for his own life and how that may have impacted his family if left behind? What did it say about their value, about her value?

He thought of a young Morgana, 15 years' old, only a few years' after her mother's death by a titan. How her father's recklessness had left her nearly parentless, with Elijah withdrawing into himself, buried in his work. How abandoned, how lonely, how insecure she must have felt. And how, to fill that void, she sought out the attention of adoring fans. How her whole unhappy life had its origins in an obsession with the world outside the walls. No wonder she had to leave Erwin. She couldn't face it all again. How she had managed to fall in love with him in the first place given who he was, he couldn't even fathom. It was irony in its most cruel form.

He wondered now, though it was difficult to contemplate, if she even really loved him. It seemed only expected that his line of work would have repelled her. He wondered why it had never occurred to him before. He guessed he had been so blinkered during their truncated and strife-ridden courtship he didn't add it up. She was so inured to sorrow by the time he met her, so numb, her expectations for life so low, the thought of someone like him wanting her, seeking her out, was a dream she never expected to come true. She saw herself as damaged goods—and then there was Erwin. Solid, respected, wanting her despite her past.

She had come from an upstanding, respectable family, one without scandal. Sure, her father was considered a bit "eccentric"—but he was well-regarded for his skill and intellect. Her mother, from what he understood, was kind, pillar of the community.

Morgana was deeply ashamed of what Shelton had made her. And deeply ashamed that she had encouraged his suit. Even so, she never wanted some slimy noble to come along and "take care" of her after Shelton was done with her. And yet she thought she deserved no better, expected no better.

And then Erwin claimed her. Was her reaction to him all that different than when Shelton had first admired her? When she wanted to escape her loneliness, her insecurities? Astonished, grateful, flattered? Of course, Shelton had ended up abusing her horribly and her life with Erwin was seemingly euphoric by comparison. Until she finally understood that maybe it wasn't. Maybe life with him was just as woeful, just as lonely in its own way.

It was disturbing and tragic on so many levels. Respectability only returning to her in the form of another man obsessed with the world outside the walls. Both of them—their feelings, their psyches, had been so wrapped up in tragedy it was impossible to unwind them from the sadness and hurt and guilt that had stalked their lives. How could they have expected to work together?

But he loved her. Despite all of it.

It was morning and most scouts were sleeping in after letting off some steam the night before. They were set to leave later in the day so that their movements would be mostly at night—an approach borne out by the narratives in Elijah Sorkin's journals. Erwin had held back the evening before and now found himself up early and alone. In the unexpected quiet he was absently thumbing the map, the corner that held her father's name, feeling uncharacteristically unsettled and morose.