Ace of Spades

04/05/22

"Kababaihan para sa kababaihan. Hashtag LenRisa."

Leni wasn't thinking about what the placards said. She read them aloud just for the sake of entertainment and to show appreciation for the effort of the rally-goers. Hence, why she found herself staring blankly at her food, poking them but not eating, post-Rizal rally because she just watched the video of her saying that hashtag.

LenRisa? She thought. Leni and Risa?

Shipping culture wasn't new to her. She knew about the fictional stories created about her and the incumbent president — which she found disgusting — and her pairing with her 2016 presidential running mate. It wasn't new to her, so why was she acting like this?

Pinapair ako kay Risa? Bakit?

Curiosity consumed her so when she went back to her room and finally laid down on her bed, she opted not to sleep just yet. Bakit may LenRisa?

She opened her Twitter app, knowing that whatever the reason was, she knew that's the best place to find it. The easier way to go about this topic, or to even know about this issue, was to ask her staff or maybe even her kids about it. But for some reason, she didn't want others to see her reaction once she understood.

Anything relating to Risa was too personal for her. It hits too close to home. So close to the past she tried so hard to bury.

Scrolling the tag, she took notice of the women empowerment message and she was glad to be paired to Risa in that sense. Some tweets were funny, some she found genuinely cute. But there were those tweets that somehow seemed to make her chest constrict.

Constants since 2016, she read the caption of the tweet, gazing a bit longer than she wanted to at the picture that came with it. The first was a picture of her and Risa way back the 2016 campaign and the second was them a few weeks ago. Leni smiled at the memory.

She kept scrolling, then she came across the video of her and Risa during her vice presidential inauguration. The one where Risa waited patiently for her turn to snap a picture and she accidentally kissed the corner of her then-wife's lips.

Ang tagal na rin pala no'n, Leni thought, smiling as she remembered their conversation. How she could recall this so perfectly detail by detail, she didn't know. But it was ingrained in her mind like something she's memorized over the years.

"Sorry, 'di sadya," Leni could recall Risa saying.

"Chansing," She replied teasingly.

Leni wouldn't dare admit it but she missed that kind of bond with Risa. She missed the feeling of knowing something that only the two of them shared, however dangerous it was.

It was deep in the night and she was still up, lurking in the hashtags, careful to skip those she knew she shouldn't know about.

Then she came across something that made her heart skip a beat. It was a picture of Risa looking at her, back when they were still wives, and another picture of Risa looking at her in the same manner but a more recent version.

Naalala ko pa kung ano 'yung pinag-uusapan natin dyan.

May mga bagay pala talagang hindi nagbabago 'no? You still look at me the same way.

You shouldn't be looking at me the same way.

She squeezed her eyes tight, dropping her phone beside her as if she just caught herself doing, or thinking rather, something she shouldn't be. Awat na, Leni, she scolded herself. Hindi ka pwedeng mag-isip ng mga ganyan.

'Wag kang gumawa ng sarili mong distraction. Wala kang panahon para maguluhan. Focus on the campaign at 'wag mo nang bigyan pa ng lugar 'yung mga ganito sa isip mo.

It's just a distraction.

She was starting to doze off as she talked to herself in her mind but before finally shutting her phone off and putting it on the nightstand, she picked it up from the bed and refreshed the tag. That's when she saw Risa's reaction while she read the LenRisa placard. She punched the arm of her seatmate lightly while she sat there giddily, like a child so excited at what she just heard.

Leni sighed, knowing that her mind won't let her rest if she doesn't fully understand why Risa reacted the way she did.

I'll ask her tomorrow. But that's the last time na iisipin 'tong LenRisa na 'to.

----------------------

"Alam mo 'yung LenRisa?" Leni asked as she sat beside Risa during the very early morning team briefing. The sun wasn't even up yet.

"Oo," Risa chuckled. "Si Ianna nagkwento sa akin no'n. Nakikita raw niya sa social media. Women empowerment thing."

"Kaya pala gano'n 'yung reaksyon mo."

"Huh?"

"Sinuntok mo pa 'yung rep ni Sen. Leila," Leni laughed teasingly and Risa's eyes widened.

"Huy! Natuwa lang ako kasi they see as women empowerment icons."

They see us as more than that, Leni thought.

Leni wanted to tell her that it was so much more than women empowerment icons. Fans actually see them as what they've always wanted to be — a couple. That behind the scenes, they were two people who chose to love each other in spite of the mess that could happen if it gets out in public.

But she didn't say it. Of course, she won't.

Leni knew the effect it could have on Risa. She knew that it would cause her to overthink, it would bring back the things they both chose to leave behind, and it would make her lose focus on the things that counted the most.

So she chose not to tell her. She let her discover it for herself.

"Hindi ka ba uncomfortable na nalilink tayo sa isa't isa? Kahit for women empowerment lang. May ano pa nga tayo, ano tawag do'n? Ship name?" Leni asked, chuckling.

"No naman. I think it's nice. Cute rin ng ship name natin," Risa laughed. "LenRisa sounds cute. Eh ikaw, does it make you uncomfortable?"

Risa knew that they were being shipped romantically. She didn't mind it, but that didn't mean it didn't make her question things. Do I really look at Leni that way still?

What do people see in us that makes them think we're like that?

Do they know about us?

Questions flooded Risa's mind. But like Leni, she disregarded them as distractions during the campaign period. And she knew, from the very start, that she had to see this as a women empowerment thing rather than the alternative because then, it would be easier to interact with Leni.

It would be easier to continue living the life she built after Leni let her go.

Focus on the campaign, she reminded herself, the same way that Leni did. She tried to convince herself, aware that she had to or else she'd paying much worse consequences.

You've worked so hard to get here. To move on from the love that held you back, to love someone else despite knowing your greatest love is perhaps the love that you just gave up on, and to be where you are.

Focus.

You cannot afford to make any more mistakes.

"Kababaihan para sa kababaihan. Hashtag LenRisa," Leni's voice rang in her head.

The two of you cannot be distracted. No more mistakes.

It's just you and Leni. Just the vice president and an opposition senator, she reminded herself over and over again that it wasn't more than what it truly was.

There's nothing more to that. Just like there won't ever be more than what your relationship is like now.