Ace of Spades

And If You Go

She had missed Leni more than the time she had ever been with her.

Why does it make her so guilty, so ashamed, to ask for a love that doesn't make her cry in the evening, that doesn't make her regret so much all the time?

Mali bang hilingin at gustuhin maging masaya?

Crying about Leni, hell even just thinking about her, made Risa's stomach churn and her mouth dry. It was as if she could taste her own blood on her mouth from gasping from air during the nights she couldn't do anything but mourn for her great love.

She would have this strong urge to vomit, her ears would ring even when everything else has become so completely still, and her heart would race so loudly but so irregularly that she couldn't breathe.

The panic attacks began and she thought nothing of it at first. She thought it was just her stressing about work and the love she and Leni were grieving together. But it got worse. It occurred every night, and then she'd have them in the middle of the day when she's working or doing something else, until it was so often she would feel all the more drained.

It was so vivid how she would come home after spending the day at the OVP and her head would spin, her vision would blur because of the tears, and she'd sit on the floor, rocking herself and counting in an attempt to calm down because she saw Leni — her Leni — but seeing her was never enough because she wanted to pour all her love unto her.

It hurts to love you and not be able to make you feel it. It hurts that I have to keep my love bottled up so we don't fuck things up further.

It hurts that I want nothing more than to be with you, than to love you the way you deserved to be loved, but we can't.

Bakit hindi pwede? Paano ba magiging pwede?

She couldn't tell Leni about the panic attacks. Not when she knew Leni might be experiencing the same thing or that she was also grieving their love in the only way she knew how. Risa didn't want to add to the already fucked up situation they were in. She didn't want Leni to know because she knew Leni would blame herself for it. She would hate herself for it. Risa did not want to give Leni any more reasons to cry at night. It was bad enough that she was grieving for their love.

I don't want you grieving for me too.

She could vividly remember crying on the floor of her room, careful not to wake her children, and just plead to whoever was making things happen either give her and Leni the chance to be with each other or just make the panic attack stop.

Make all the panic attacks stop and just let her be happy. Let them both be happy.

Even if happiness meant foregoing the idea of being together.

Even if happiness meant letting each other go and watching each other walk away to find happiness elsewhere.

Because at that point, holding on hurt more than letting go.

Tiredness crept up on her one night as she laid in bed. That was when she realized it wasn't worth it anymore. Draining themselves emotionally to the point of not being able to breathe, feeling so lost and at a loss all the time, and not being able to love to the fullest extent was not worth it anymore.

Risa wanted to find a love that she could experience everyday. She wanted to live the rest of her life with the person she loved. She wanted the daily peace of loving plainly. And she knew very well that when she fell in love with Leni, she wanted that with her.

But they couldn't have it. The universe did not permit them to have it.

They both wanted a love that would make them feel alive. The love that would exhilarate them, make them both want to live, and make their lives worth living amidst the chaos they both found themselves in.