After Everything (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 10-Don't Take Pity On Me

~"Why are you lying awake, thinking that you're a terrible person?" "To keep my mind occupied when I can't sleep. Some people count sheep. I self-loathe." -Attachments~ 

Chapter 10

I didn't hit the ground. I didn't die.

All I did was lose a lot of blood, that's why I got so dizzy and everything was distorted. I passed out from the amount of blood I had lost.

I fell, but the police or firefighters or whomever the fuck decided to save my ass did so. I don't know the details, considering I've been on a 72 hour suicide watch at some hospital. They never told me where I was.

I don't know how long I've been here. It hasn't been too long, because I would have more facial hair. It would feel longer. Maybe. This coming from the person who should have been keeping track of time like his doctor told him to and failed.

I haven't seen anyone but one nurse. He distributes medicine through my IV. He talks to me about my problems, he tells me that everything will eventually be okay. But that's all he says. I haven't even been seen by a therapist yet. I haven't been talked to like a normal person since I got here. I was just told that "Everything is going to be okay."

There is no "Okay", don't they understand that? Don't they understand that not everyone is able to be happy, to have something they love and have people who love them?

Don't they understand what I've done?

I'm starring at the white walls again, just like I used to do. Just like I did for eleven months, stared at white walls and thought. This time I want to be dead. Last time I just wanted chemo to be over. But this time I hate everything.

My entire body is sore from the events prior to being here. I'm completely covered in bruises, which are much more obvious now than they were in the mirror that day. My spine is completely out of whack that I can't sleep at night, and my wrists have spasms of pain that I can't seem to breathe. I hate it. I hate it all.

Why couldn't they just let me die?

Why do people have to save others? Why was it so horrible that I wanted to be dead, that I wanted to stop suffering for so long? Was Rachael right when she said I was being a coward? No she wan't, because I was tired of fighting.

Rachael.

I don't want to see her. I don't want to even think about her. I hear her scream when I sleep. I see her lunging at me when I feel myself falling and I find myself reaching back to grab her hand and hold onto it. Sometimes when I fall asleep during the day and I dream, she grabs me and we fall together, but we're okay at the end. But most of the time it's just a repeat of what happened that day. Falling off that building and wishing I was dead and hitting that hard surface.

I never hit a hard surface. I didn't hit the ground. But I don't know what I did hit.

Why did Nick have to call the cops? And how did Alex get to the apartment so fucking fast? Why did Rachael want me alive and what was Nick's game with telling me he cares about me? I keep asking myself these questions like I'll find the answer in my mind. I want to die. I want to not be here in this bed suffering right now. I want to be dead and not thinking. I want none of this to be real.

I hear a knock on my door and look over as my nurse guy walks in.

"Time for another dose."

The same four words he always says when he walks in. Like his fucking anti-depressants or whatever shit he uses actually fucking works.

"Everything is going to be okay."

The more you say it old man, the less likely I am to believe you.