After Everything (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 11-Lost Stars

~Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy? Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality. Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow. Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer. Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending where we're dancing in our tears and God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young. It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run. Searching for meaning. But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark? -Adam Levine~

Chapter 11

"Jeff, give me the razor."

"What's giving you this piece of plastic going to accomplish? You doing your job? That's it. I'm still going to want to cut. I'm still going to be depressed. You taking this from me won't solve anything, don't you understand?"

The red blood trickling down my arm falls onto the white sheets of my hospital bed, and Andrews stares at me with fear and compassion. Everything is unfair. Everything is fucked up. This chemo is killing me. I'm throwing up every couple of hours, and I sweat more now than I have my entire life. I keep forgetting what time I'm supposed to go to therapy and what time I'm supposed to sleep and what tests are when. I can't deal with all of this anymore, it's too much to deal with, and Alex made the wrong choice in letting me live. Why did she let me live, what was she doing when she let me live?

"Jeff, ending your life like this is pointless, because you have so much to live for. You know that this is a mistake. Come on, please listen to me. I don't want to have to get hostile."

"What would you know about me? There's nothing you have told me in the last month I have been here that has helped me. One month and I feel worse than when I got here." I hold the razor out and point it at Andrews. "Explain to me why I should believe a single word that comes out of your mouth. Tell me why I should still be alive."

A drop of blood falls from the razor onto my bed. More blood spatters. More care I don't have.

"We warned you of the side effects when you started treatment when you came here, Jeff. Listen to me, listen for one second, okay? Those marks in your arm, those slices you just produced, they are because you seem to think they are helping. They don't help. They make everything worse for yourself. I'm not lying to you, I'm not trying to make you suffer, I'm trying to help you. I promise all I'm trying to do is help you, Jeff. When have I ever lied to you?"

My arm is starting to get heavy and my breathing is getting much more stiff. The IV with the chemo in my other arm suddenly starts to feel heavier as well. My vision is cloudy.

"Never."

I see Andrews grab the razor but I don't try to help him. I hear him shout something loudly. I see Alex flash for a second in front of my eyes and immediately I start to breath heavier, trying to fight to get that image of her back. Her long brown hair and beautiful baby blue eyes with those adorable freckles that are barely visible upon her pale skin. The person I love the most.

She's gone.

But the obnoxious beeping isn't as I force my eyes to open to the sight of Andrews and three nurses tending to my deep wounds. An oxygen mask is helping my breathing and I lock eyes with Andrews when he glances back at me. I give him a subtle nod. I won't cut again. I'll go the chemo. I'll deal with it. I'll deal with all of it.

I close my eyes again as I slowly drift off.

Only because of Alex. Because I still love her, deep down.

I open my eyes and stare at the wall in my hospital bed in Chicago, oxygen mask on again, my arms in pain and my eyes heavy. Only this is because the hospital personnel think I'm crazy. Maybe I am; because my arms and legs have been bound to this bed since 1 AM.