Can We Kiss Forever? (Wattys 2022)

HUH?

"—So, I was in Levante last night and yeah, I met Dory Smith, right? And he gave me his number, but I'm confused—"

"—Why?" Max raised an eyebrow.

"Dory's like... untouchable." Julio laughed. "Why would he talk to me, of all people? Look at me—"

"—Yeah, you look worse than Chico's poop."

Julio glared at him. "Ayo, are you trying to say that I look—"

"—Like shit, yep. As always."

"You're lovely, aren't you?"

Max stirred his coffee and smirked at him as he sat down at the table in the store's kitchen. Julio sighed. "What?"

"I'm confused, Man!"

"When are you not?"

"For real though, Dory wasn't even drunk."

Max shrugged. "Maybe he thinks that you need a friend."

"When I get him as a friend, I'll have one more than you." Julio burped, finishing the rest of his chicken wrap and setting the plate down. "You know?"

"He's also a qualified counselor."

"For real?"

"Yeah, he got into it as a hobby."

"Tell me more?" Julio sat down opposite him.

"Aight, remember the Sad Kids Club? He went there and he left depressed. He said that so many of those cholos were properly suicidal, so he decided to set up his own charity to help them out, yeah."

"Seriously? Does he not know they're goths too—"

"—He said they were depressed for goths."

"Damn! That's bad."

Max nodded back. "I know right?"

"So, he wants to help people, huh?"

"Yep. Something you could do more often."

"Says you, Max. I helped an old lady across the road once—"

"—Only because she was blocking your view of the gym."

Julio sighed. "At least I helped her?"

"Yeah, but it was selfish."

"Isn't altruism selfish a lot of the time anyway?"

"Yeah, that's the irony." Max nodded. "You help people for your own selfish gain, you know? I've done it, you've done it and so have many others. Rarely do people do it for the love, which is kinda disheartening, you know? But it is what it is."

"Disheartening? Where did YOU of all people learn a big word like that?"

"I read, unlike you." Max sighed and pulled a book from the cupboard. He threw it in front of Julio. "This book will change your life."

"How?" Julio raised an eyebrow and let out a loud laugh that echoed around the room.

Max shook his head. "It's called How Not to Be an Asshole. Will come in handy for you."

Julio glared and took the book by his neon green spine and started to examine it. The dark letters of the title stuck out at him. Freezing on the spot, he read the author's name out loud. Ramon Ramirez. "Crap."

"What?"

"I summoned him."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Whatever," Max said as he walked out of the kitchen. "Be back at the garage in twenty minutes, right?"

"Fine." Julio groaned as he began to read the first page of the book. "They say being—"

"—Dead solves all your problems, but for me, they were the beginning." The husky voice said. "You still have issues, Homes. My wife, kids, and parents have all been stressed and I can't do jack, you know?"

The transparent man with a bald head floated over to Julio, who let out a sigh at that moment. "I still can't believe you haven't solved your issues, Ramon. It's been what?"

"More than five years."

"Five years too long. You know? You need to solve them, get them money and leave."

"But—"

"--I know you love them, but you have to leave them some time you know?"

"I know. Can you help me?"

"How?"

"Can you make out with my wife and tell her that everything's fine? And that I have a stash of money hidden under the ground in our apartment complex?"

Julio walked out into the bathroom and locked the door behind himself. "Is your wife a six-foot-four chocolate stallion with a gift that keeps on giving?"

Ramon tried to glare, but his fading features were hard to make out. "You know what she's like. She's really hot—"

"—Like me, I know. I looked her up on Facebook. She still grieves you on your birthday every year, which is kinda sweet, actually—"

"—That's something that won't happen to you when you die." Before Julio could take a swipe at him, Ramon laughed and added. "Kidding. You seem alright, even though you hang around with Max."

Julio shook his head. "Now you've been stalking me? Smooth!"

Ramon chuckled. "Nah that's boring. All you do is eat, sleep, fart, and annoy Max."

"It could be worse. You could be spying on Marvin Rios—"

Ramon let out a smirk. "—Yeah, I'd rather pass onto the afterlife than be around him for more than a second."

"So then, why do you think I'm the best guy for the job?"

"Well, I dunno anyone else who can do this job."

Julio nodded. "I suppose that makes sense."

"I'd do it myself, but I can't anymore. D'ya know what I'd give to be normal, man? My left nut—"

"—Ew, gross."

"Says the guy with the smiley face on his right testicle."

Julio glared and raised his eyebrow. "And how you would know that? Do you watch me when I'm in the shower—"

"—And the bathroom, in bed, when you get dressed. All the time, Ese." Ramon smirked back. "You know the way the door slams in the middle of the night?"

"Does it? I thought that was me whacking off—"

"—Gross."

"—If you wanna get my attention, you gotta try harder dude. Make it worth my time. The 'things that go bump in the night' thing ain't scary anymore. I quit paying attention to that when I was like five—"

"—The same way you did at school. How do you function in society when you can hardly form coherent sentences, Jules?"

"The same way you did. Bullshit, and smile. Get on with it." Julio said as he flicked through the book. "And hide your inabilities."

Ramon nodded. "It worked for me, didn't it?"

"Up until you got yourself killed because of your inability to use self-defense," Julio added with a smirk. "That dude was a time traveler, right?"

"I don't wanna talk about this, I'm gonna go back to my quiet corner and let you do work."

"I hope you stay there," Julio added as he walked into the garage. "Poophead."