All the Dark Reasons

23- Is it wrong to love my mother?

I always wondered what it was like to drown.
I always saw mom doing it. Drowning.
Drowning in her sorrows and regrets. I was so scared that i'll eventually be exactly like her.

Well...part of that was true... wasn't it?

,,I hope you understand that if you carry on like this, then you are going to drown in the abyss you have imagined for yourself."

,,...i'll drown ...?"

,, yeah, you will. Did your mom...also drown?"

,, she did. It destroyed her."

,, Do you fear that will happen to you too?"

,,... i do...."

,, Do you miss seeing your mom?"

,, mhm."

,, You miss seeing her when she was not drowning?"

,, yeah...i do"

,, Missing someone dead is truly a tragedy, isn't it. You tell yourself you miss them. But what would you do if they were standing in front of you again? How would you feel and what would you say? Would you truly be at peace with everything that's happened? ...You can try and ignore that lingering feeling of grief. The truth is that you might succeed. You can try to drown out the pain of knowing you'll never hear their laugh again and you can try to forget all of the precious things they said. But you don't realise how much you miss someone until they're standing in front of you again. "

,, I tried. Once. I really did. And as soon as she disappeared from my sight again i got... scared.  The moment i realised what i did, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and no matter how much i tried to keep my tears in, they still got out and i cried. I cried so much i couldn't sleep until she came back and i only felt my sadness and numbness mixing together, making it easier for me to keep going. Or so i thought..."

,, The hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they finally go. I can't even allow myself to lie and say that it'll suddenly get better if you simply try to live your life and that ' time will heal', because it's not true. At least i can say that it's not true in your situation. And i'm never going to say that you just need to forget her and just hope for the best. Never forget her. Even if you do forget her for a moment, deep down you won't be healed. Try to make peace with her, talk to her as much as you can now and maybe you'll somehow understand her, and she'll understand you. Don't forget what you went through. But try to replace those memories with better ones. "

,, I never imagined that i'll someday have to live knowing that she's dead... I hoped that she'd stop blaming me for something i don't know i did, i hoped she'd change and be there for me. I truly... i truly hoped that she'd love me again."

,, Does it hurt?"

,, ...fuck, it does"

,, There is a poem, that says the most important part of the body isn't the heart  or the lungs or the brain. The biggest, most important part of the body is the part that hurts. So Bakugo, what is the part that it hurts right now?"

,, ...My throat. It hurts so much."

,, And can you tell me why?"