tw: anorexia, self hate, mentions of death, slightly graphic
written on: october 21, 2021
*
Everyone says it's glamorous
It's pretty, dainty
Perfectly fine
Yes, it was glamorous for a while
The way my clothes fit was glamorous
The way my classmates complimented my tiny waist was glamorous
The way the numbers dropped was certainly glamorous
I tried so hard to romanticize it all
Until my hair started falling out
I had to keep it in a ponytail so you couldn't see the bald spots and
That wasn't so glamorous but
Everything else still was so that was just fine
My heart started beating too fast and I would get so very dizzy and that wasn't very glamorous either but then I would
Look in the mirror and see my thigh gap and it gave me a sense of clarity so I didn't care that
I felt like death all the time
All these things were just minor nuisances because I was glamorous
And people told me I was pretty
Until the cold started to set in
Yes, it was the cold that broke me
I took a scalding shower and put on
Sweatpants
Two sweatshirts
The warmest pair of socks I owned before I
Wrapped myself in three separate comforters but
The cold was still there
Seeping into my very bones and I just
Felt so incredibly weak
That's when I knew that it
Could not possibly be glamorous because
Being hypothermic wasn't glamorous and
Hating myself wasn't glamorous and
Almost starving to death wasn't glamorous and
Watching as my own body cannibalized itself certainly wasn't glamorous
That's what I tell myself when I miss it: no, it wasn't so glamorous after all.
YOU ARE READING
poetry by wunder
Poetrymy old stuff is pretty bad but my newer stuff is much better, please pay attention to when it was written and feel free to start at the end of the book!! i will have trigger warnings at the beginning of chapters when necessary. stay safe, i love you.
