The Cloaked Truth Series #4: Where No One Sees

🦋 LXXII.

Tonight, as I'm writing this, I am crying so bad. Tomorrow is Friah's 1st birthday and it makes me sad to think about her dad not being there. Am I such a bad mom? Will she hate me for this? Will she understand me someday?

Those thoughts echoed in my mind nonstop. I feel like I was torturing myself every time. Sana mas better pa ako, sana mas better pa ang ginawa ko. But no, I wasn't getting any better. Even in martial arts I can't do it properly! Stupid!

"Farah? Here's the list of the foods they will be cooking tomorrow, check it." Cerine said.

I smiled and looked down.  "I'll check it later. Thanks for helping me, kung wala kayo paano na lang kami ni Friah…"

She sat beside me and hugged me. I smiled and chuckled. 

"Remember the time where I changed my mind about our dream job? It hurts me… knowing that you'll be left behind. Then we got mad at each other but I am mad because I thought you'll understand me better." She chuckled.

"Eh anong gagawin ko?? Magdiwang na aalis ka na? Buong buhay ko ata kabiyak na kita!" sabi ko na nagpatawa sakaniya.

"I know. I just thought you're smarter than me!" 

"Ooh, so your point is, I am stupid huh?" 

We did pillow fights and after that we both let ourselves fall off on the bed. We laughed as we stared at the ceiling.

"I am happy that Friah is my inaanak. She looks exactly like the both of you." 

"Nah, she looks exactly like her father…" I said.

"You should write him a letter, saying that he can come if he wants to. But pretend that you're Sol!" Suggest niya pa. Hindi niya alam kanina ko pa ginagawa iyon.

"I can't, babe. He knows my penmanship." I laughed.

"Damn! That man is so genius!"

After Cerine left I read the list and it's good. Then I just saw myself writing him a letter for future purposes. I was writing a letter for him during my pregnancy before but I stopped when I gave up for the both of us kasi baka hindi niya ako mapatawad.

Kinukuwento ko doon lahat ng nangyayari kay Friah. It's actually a video but sometimes when I'm too lazy to do that, nagsusulat nalang ako. 

I wrote the letter on a yellow pad.

Frigus,

        If ever the day comes and you can't forgive me for leaving you without a proper goodbye, I hope you'll still accept her. Yes, I got pregnant by you. But the moment I knew that, is when the crime happens. I got scared for you and the baby. Hindi sana ako aalis, but I received a lot of death threats on texts, emails, and including my gown sketches na hindi ko alam paano nila nasulatan kung nasa loob naman iyon ng bahay. I left the country for the safety of our baby and for you too. Sol helped me to escape the country. Tinaya niya pati pagkakaibigan nila ni Aud but she says it's okay and it's not the right time to do it. Sobrang stressful ng life phase ko na iyon, love. Even if I wished you were there beside me, I can't. 

But you know what? I am so proud of you. Even from afar, I saw your achievements na sinabi mo sa akin na makukuha at matutupad mo. I bought all the magazines na ikaw ang cover at laman. I kept all those so when Friah grows up, iyon na lang ang ipapakita ko. I just wish na mabati kita sa personal pero hindi ko magawa. Kung mas naging matapang lang sana ako, baka kasama kita sa mga araw na iyon, love. 

The moment I heard the news and saw your pics with that girl. It hurt me. But I was to blame. I deserve all the pain at that moment and also the pain that's coming. Hanggang sa, dumating sa point na bumalik ako dito pero naaksidente ako sa sinasakyan kong sasakyan. Love, you don't how much I wished na ikaw ang gumamot sa akin. But the plan must go on so they did not let you in. I heard your cries, you talking about how much you love me. I wanna hug you so bad that I almost forgot that I am playing dead. I can't hug you!

Maybe a month or year later, I was visiting you secretly. I saw you look at our picture in the frame. I saw kung paano mo itinaob na lang iyon. Masakit, pero kailangan tiisin. 

 Love, please take care of her. Don't let anyone know about it yet. Both of you will be in danger. Forgive me as I can't show myself to you yet. And yes, I'm alive, breathing, and resting like a human does. I miss you so much…I love you.

Farah Leonor